It has been difficult for me to balance working and studying with the multitude of distractions presented by doing these things from home.
Let me preface the urgency of my situation. I have taken a significant pay cut and am only working part time in order to be able to study and ace the GRE. There is a lot at stake as my husband is paying most of the rent now, and it causes financial strain on him and guilt within myself because I want to contribute more. So, I am certainly not a typical person wanting to go to grad school just for kicks or because I just finished college and don't know what to do nor do I have all the time in the world or my parents supporting me financially. In fact, I have a$40,000 loan that I need to pay back, plus current utility bills (at least $300/mo in NY), my transportation and personal expenses.
However, despite this urgency, I have had an incredibly difficult time in the last 6 months trying to balance my work and study. Last year, I was even off for most of the year, studying for the LSAT, and I did not utilize the time effectively. I scored high on the prep-test (168) after only actually studying for 2 and a half months for 2 hours, 3 days a week. Still, I did not feel a sense of accomplishment because most of the week, I was reorganizing my possessions, going out with friends or reading online. I decided not to continue with the LSAT because after having a talk with my husband and a few professors, plus my experience in law, I realized that the loan of law school would be $186,000 minimum and I really wanted to teach, not be confined to practicing as a corporate lawyer. However, I would not be able to teach until I had experience in a firm for 8-10 years, and that is the requirement and also to pay off the loans.
Since I changed my focus to my real passion that I have had since I was 6 (academia, language, learning, teaching, writing, reading), but which seemed impractical as it does not pay a lot, I have felt a lot more motivation and joy when I actually study. The LSAT was boring and a chore for me. However, despite enjoying studying for the GRE, I have not been able to study a lot or consistently because I have been reading minimalist fashion and design blogs online, reading novels, watching the History and Travel channel and reorganizing and DE-cluterring at a very slow pace, and catching up on work after procrastination on these things. I thought that perhaps my distraction was my home as it is in a state of disarray as I have brought everything out of storage in an effort to de-clutter and reduce my possessions a great deal. However, progress with that has been slow as I have indecision about discarding many things as I am not making a lot of money, and beause I feel guilty to be wasting my time de-cluttering when I should be studying or working.
On some weeks, I have decided to do my work from the hotel where my husband is staying for a temporary assignment, but I am still laden with the distractions of the internet and TV.
So, today, I decide to do a little experiment. After breakfast, I decided to do some studying in the lobby of the hotel with just my textbook and my cell phone, which has a dictionary program that I needed to use. I used to think that being around people distracted me, but I discovered that it was noise. I actually was able to focus and study intensely despite a few staff around. I did start getting distracted when some more staff came and they started getting chatty. However, even with the noise, I was able to focus more than when in the hotel room. In the hotel room, I do not have a lot of stuff, so I reliaze that it is not my possesions at home that prevent me from studying, although I want to get rid of at least half of them. My conclusion is that my biggest distractor in work and in studying is my computer due to the internet and the television.
I felt an increible boost of self confidence when I realized this and after studying for just an hour and a half. I had begun to think that perhaps I had ADD or just was not as smart or able to concentrate as I was able to in the past. I also realized that by getting a small goal accomplished through discipline, I felt more of an urge to reduce my time on the internet or watching TV, and I also felt a freedom from possesions and a desire and courage in place of the fear to reduce my possesions. This realization came as I felt so much more joy and esteem from studying and learning than I did from watching TV, being on the internet or from any of my possesions. I felt the freedom and hope that I had to succeed as I had when I was younger. I also realized that my depression has been affected from not pursing and working on my passion for a career. I have felt a shadow of myself for the last 10 years while I have been in law as I did my job well, but I kept leaving jobs as the environment was too harsh, money oriented and not intellectually stimulating and intellectually challenging for me. I felt like a failure to have the capacity and skill to do a job, but not being able to sustain emotionally in the environment. I also felt like a failure to have spent so much time trying to make it work and not going after what I really want. Since I made a decision to switch fields, I have felt a weight lift. However, only today, when I have engaged in my passion of learning have I seen the light at the end of the tunnel.
I know I have spent a lot of time describing my experience, and not a lot giving advice, but what I can sum up from this is that it is so important to challenge your habits and ways of thinking when you are trying to find your passion or make a change in your life. Try going without the internet and TV for a day and do something you really enjoy (unless it is web maintenance or something having to do with broadcasting or film). Taking small steps outside our comfort zone is the only way to experience your true, authentic self.
Dec 10, 2012
Journey Back to Elegant Simplicity
For someone who is a perfectionist with oneself, trying to achieve
any goal satisfactory either ends up in feeling like the goal is not
accomplished, but settling or giving up altogether as the ideal cannot
be achieved.
While I have lived simply for a good part of my life, when I took on the formal goal during college, it took a life of it's own. I acheived a good degree of minimalism, and even had my clothing, shoes and bags combined down to 113 items. I also brought my book collection down to less than 50 by giving away or recycling books that I would never use again, and obtaining eBook copies of ones that I would read again. However, criticism from extreme, fanatic minimalists on the web who had 20 personal items slowly broke my confidence. Criticism to a perfectionist is dreadful. I knew that I had stripped most of the excess of my items, and kept only the items that I used. I like variety and to be creative and have fun with my look, so perhaps I kept more than the extreme minimalists kept. However, all that I kept brought me joy and/or added value to my life in some way. Still, I am a consciencious person, and I did not want to look like a fake or a fraud, even though I did not feel I was one. So, in time, I slowly began to abandon my minimnalist lifestye about two years ago for several reasons: not being able to live up to the standard of being the best minimalist possible and because I fell into mild depression because my life was in a rut due to my career and lacked energy to monitor my possessions and even bought items to make myself feel better.
However, almost completely abandoning my minimalist lifestyle has made me feel so unsatisfied with myself that a few months ago, I decided to begin weeding out possessions again. In the same way that people are critical of people in the goth subculture, saying that one is not goth enough because they don't go to goth clubs, or what have you, people in the minimalist subculture will be critical. There are negative and insecure people everywhere who like to put others down to feel more special. However, when one is genuinely inclined to an interest, even with the valleys of self-doubt or setbacks, continue with interests that are genuine or authentic. I have also loved a more minimalist lifestyle for years because keeping my life simple has enabled me to focus on my true passions, such as literature, learning and creating written works.
So, although I made the decision to re-embark on more simple lifestyle again a few months ago, I am going full speed now as I can't function well with many possessions around me. Having so many things take my energy and attention, and actually make me feel more down because I am distracted from doing the things that truly bring me joy and value.
My advice to anyone embarking on a new lifestyle change - be it becoming more minimalist or even embarking on a new career- is to firstly, block out all the negative people and naysayers. Ultimately, it is your life, and no one has a right to tell you how to live. While I do not advocate being inauthentic, such as saying your're minimalist when you are really a hoarder or shopaholic, I do believe that we should all strive to be authentic and unique. We should define ourselves by ourselves and as long as we are not mocking others or their lifestyle, we are allowed to put our own spin on things.
So, in defining myself in the goal of minimalism, I would say that I aim to once again become and stay a moderate minimalist as I have been for most of my life and because I enjoy seeing the beauty in less and in the usual. I think a more appropriate term would be that I am trying to live a more simple, but still comfortable life - one of elegant simplicity as minimalism may be too restrictive a label for my tastes.
While I have lived simply for a good part of my life, when I took on the formal goal during college, it took a life of it's own. I acheived a good degree of minimalism, and even had my clothing, shoes and bags combined down to 113 items. I also brought my book collection down to less than 50 by giving away or recycling books that I would never use again, and obtaining eBook copies of ones that I would read again. However, criticism from extreme, fanatic minimalists on the web who had 20 personal items slowly broke my confidence. Criticism to a perfectionist is dreadful. I knew that I had stripped most of the excess of my items, and kept only the items that I used. I like variety and to be creative and have fun with my look, so perhaps I kept more than the extreme minimalists kept. However, all that I kept brought me joy and/or added value to my life in some way. Still, I am a consciencious person, and I did not want to look like a fake or a fraud, even though I did not feel I was one. So, in time, I slowly began to abandon my minimnalist lifestye about two years ago for several reasons: not being able to live up to the standard of being the best minimalist possible and because I fell into mild depression because my life was in a rut due to my career and lacked energy to monitor my possessions and even bought items to make myself feel better.
However, almost completely abandoning my minimalist lifestyle has made me feel so unsatisfied with myself that a few months ago, I decided to begin weeding out possessions again. In the same way that people are critical of people in the goth subculture, saying that one is not goth enough because they don't go to goth clubs, or what have you, people in the minimalist subculture will be critical. There are negative and insecure people everywhere who like to put others down to feel more special. However, when one is genuinely inclined to an interest, even with the valleys of self-doubt or setbacks, continue with interests that are genuine or authentic. I have also loved a more minimalist lifestyle for years because keeping my life simple has enabled me to focus on my true passions, such as literature, learning and creating written works.
So, although I made the decision to re-embark on more simple lifestyle again a few months ago, I am going full speed now as I can't function well with many possessions around me. Having so many things take my energy and attention, and actually make me feel more down because I am distracted from doing the things that truly bring me joy and value.
My advice to anyone embarking on a new lifestyle change - be it becoming more minimalist or even embarking on a new career- is to firstly, block out all the negative people and naysayers. Ultimately, it is your life, and no one has a right to tell you how to live. While I do not advocate being inauthentic, such as saying your're minimalist when you are really a hoarder or shopaholic, I do believe that we should all strive to be authentic and unique. We should define ourselves by ourselves and as long as we are not mocking others or their lifestyle, we are allowed to put our own spin on things.
So, in defining myself in the goal of minimalism, I would say that I aim to once again become and stay a moderate minimalist as I have been for most of my life and because I enjoy seeing the beauty in less and in the usual. I think a more appropriate term would be that I am trying to live a more simple, but still comfortable life - one of elegant simplicity as minimalism may be too restrictive a label for my tastes.
Would You Be Happy Without Friends or Possessions?
If you had no friends, no possessions or were isolated from these things for a period of time, would you still be happy?
I think that at the heart of unhappiness is unhappiness with the self. Granted that we human are social beings, and we are phsyical beings, so we do need some social interaction and also the necessities of life, such as food, clothing and shelter. I think the things beyond the necessities of life bring us joy, such as art, music, books, and even lovely things. However, no matter how many friends we have and objects we may possess, without a healthy contentment in who we are as people, we cannot fully enjoy these things.
There are times when I have gone through periods of stress or depression, and I have purchased items, but I always knew that I am just procrastinating on facing my discomfort or discontent in a situation. Sometimes, I found that just as looking at nature's beauty brings me peace, the beauty of these objects brought me some joy. However, unlike the awe that nature inspires in me and the lessons that it teaches me, these objects soon loose their utility even in their beauty when I am struck with the reality of an apartment running out of space, money wasted or time having to care for these items. This is why I keep coming back to voluntary simplicity, and intend to stay there consistently from hereon.
However, de-cluttering or simplifying is not the entire solution to finding peace, purpose and bliss. I have seen and read a lot of films and surveys on happiness, and they often conclude that many people who have less than others are actually happier because they have a support network and a large group of friends and family. I meet people often, and I am not shy, but because I am an introvert and an HSP, I prefer to keep a small, but amazing group of friends and family. I enjoy time with them a great deal, and there is a mutual exchange of care and value, but a part of me is well aware that I cannot rely on them for happiness or peace. In fact, after a week or several days of spending a lot of time with people, I often feel a little disconcerted and as if I need to find my center. I know that it is partly due to me being an introvert and HSP, but I also feel it is due to an existential awareness that happiness is deeper than people or things.
Happiness is not even in achievement as I know that I achieved a lot academically in my early years, but a few setbacks derailed me and made me loose confidence in my self worth as I associated it with success. I made a lot more money at my previous job than I do now, but I was still unhappy because I was not challenged and stimulated nor pursuing something creative or that I was passionate about.
From the few and wonderful moemnts and periods of bliss that I have experienced in my life, I would say that true happiness is when we are living in the moment and appreciating the moment - the good, the bad, the dark, the light - all that is around us, and when we are doing that thing that sets us afire, that comes naturally and that inspires us and is what I may dare say, we are put on this world to do. It is elusive staying in the moment or finding that thing that makes us come alive, but once you have a glimpse of it, that is what we must remind ourselves of. So, while I enjoy my family, friends and possessions, I am also had periods when I feel disconnected from others and/or disoriented with the things I own or where I am success-wise in life. These moments of inner turmoil and despair have been my teachers and reminders that I must try and keep aware of that elusive peace of the present and that driving power because nothing else has given me such pure and true peace.
I think that at the heart of unhappiness is unhappiness with the self. Granted that we human are social beings, and we are phsyical beings, so we do need some social interaction and also the necessities of life, such as food, clothing and shelter. I think the things beyond the necessities of life bring us joy, such as art, music, books, and even lovely things. However, no matter how many friends we have and objects we may possess, without a healthy contentment in who we are as people, we cannot fully enjoy these things.
There are times when I have gone through periods of stress or depression, and I have purchased items, but I always knew that I am just procrastinating on facing my discomfort or discontent in a situation. Sometimes, I found that just as looking at nature's beauty brings me peace, the beauty of these objects brought me some joy. However, unlike the awe that nature inspires in me and the lessons that it teaches me, these objects soon loose their utility even in their beauty when I am struck with the reality of an apartment running out of space, money wasted or time having to care for these items. This is why I keep coming back to voluntary simplicity, and intend to stay there consistently from hereon.
However, de-cluttering or simplifying is not the entire solution to finding peace, purpose and bliss. I have seen and read a lot of films and surveys on happiness, and they often conclude that many people who have less than others are actually happier because they have a support network and a large group of friends and family. I meet people often, and I am not shy, but because I am an introvert and an HSP, I prefer to keep a small, but amazing group of friends and family. I enjoy time with them a great deal, and there is a mutual exchange of care and value, but a part of me is well aware that I cannot rely on them for happiness or peace. In fact, after a week or several days of spending a lot of time with people, I often feel a little disconcerted and as if I need to find my center. I know that it is partly due to me being an introvert and HSP, but I also feel it is due to an existential awareness that happiness is deeper than people or things.
Happiness is not even in achievement as I know that I achieved a lot academically in my early years, but a few setbacks derailed me and made me loose confidence in my self worth as I associated it with success. I made a lot more money at my previous job than I do now, but I was still unhappy because I was not challenged and stimulated nor pursuing something creative or that I was passionate about.
From the few and wonderful moemnts and periods of bliss that I have experienced in my life, I would say that true happiness is when we are living in the moment and appreciating the moment - the good, the bad, the dark, the light - all that is around us, and when we are doing that thing that sets us afire, that comes naturally and that inspires us and is what I may dare say, we are put on this world to do. It is elusive staying in the moment or finding that thing that makes us come alive, but once you have a glimpse of it, that is what we must remind ourselves of. So, while I enjoy my family, friends and possessions, I am also had periods when I feel disconnected from others and/or disoriented with the things I own or where I am success-wise in life. These moments of inner turmoil and despair have been my teachers and reminders that I must try and keep aware of that elusive peace of the present and that driving power because nothing else has given me such pure and true peace.
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