The Thin Line between Crafting and Hoarding Fabric & Notions

Today I am de-cluttering my trim and fabric stash, which amounts to two large plastic bins. I know it is a whole lot, and I admit that I have a hoarding problem with fabric. De-cluttering the bins is turning out to be a laborious task as most of my clutter has been fabric I have saved from items for which I did not like the style and tons of lace. I have lots of pieces of fabrics that can be added to items, but cannot make a whole skirt or top. I also have a huge stash of white lace because I figured I can add them as trim to my black clothing. However, whenever I wear something black with a white trim, it looks lolita goth, which I find cute, but which is not really my style. Larger white lace trims even make me feel like I look like a maid or waitress. I have only trimmed my clothing with black or red lace. 

My mom sews a lot, and I have decided to give her most of my silk stash and also some lace. She said she would take the silk as silk is costly, but I am not sure if she will take the lace.  In any case, when you are giving away things to people that you thought were useful, it gives perspective as I realize that a lot of the lace and fabric are too small for her to make something with.  I also do not want to give her things she cannot use as she tends to hoard fabric also, although she sews a lot more than I do. Since I have not used them in 1 to 2 years, I am no longer kidding myself and realize that I probably won't use them in the future, especially since my time is limited now. So, I have decided to just throw them out because they cannot be donated or given away. It feels wasteful because I know people have to buy lace and fabric, but these little pieces are just not useful. I know no one who would buy little scraps like this.

Well, humble lesson learned...instead of cutting out lace from shirts and dresses to feel like I am not being wasteful by donating or throwing away the item, I just wasted time and even prevented another person from being able to purchase it and use it from the thrift store. 

For those crafters and sewers out there, I do hope you learn from my less and do not save fabric or trim unless you have a specific purpose in mind for it, not a potential project that does not already exist in some way.  

Well, back to the de-cluttering. I hope to be left with half of a bin when I am done donating items to my mom and throwing things away. After that, I am going to do projects with the fabric pieces in less than a month. Otherwise, all the stash is going, except my black and red lace trims and corset which I add to new clothing on an ongoing basis, as I can't afford the more pricey goth items in gothic clothing stores, and because I like the creative outlet of sewing and making unique things.

Re-Inspired by a Storm and Isolation

There's a category 1 hurricane occurring in New York, and while I don't want people's homes to be flooded, and I have been checking up on my loved ones, I'm actually loving the storm. The wind is howling as you can hear in the above video that I filmed from my window. The trees having been swaying a bit dangerously as the wind is blowing at 90 mph. I'm barely moving the camera. The sky has been dark and dreary all day. No one is outside, and cars rarely pass by. Yet, I honestly love it. I have always enjoyed the rain when I am indoors. I love to see it on the wet leaves on the trees and on the pavement, which is why autumn has always been my favorite season. I know its odd to like storms and dreary weather, but it is quite peaceful, it mirrors my mood at times, and it reminds me that I'm human and how fragile, yet precious is life.

I haven't been quite productive, but I've enjoyed this lazy day of watching missed re-runs of The Vampire Diaries and True Blood.

I do hope to get some housework done after one more episode as I just returned from a trip from San Antonio with my husband. Ironically, we left sunny weather, with the temperatures at approximately 88 degrees. My husband had a work assignment, and it was the first time I had ever left my home or New York for more than a week and a half. I was there for 3 weeks, and it was so freeing being away from all the clutter in my apartment. As I mentioned in some of my recent posts, I've been trying to Ho back to a minimalist lifestyle because I find that whenever I have more than I need and use, I get very unfocused, and it brings on bouts of moderate depression. However, I have been struggling with letting things go because I am only working 8 - 10 hours a week now, and I felt like I was wasting and loosing money by donating or discarding my items.

However, this trip was quite an eye opener on how badly my possessions were draining my energy. Since my husband was working, we only went out on weekends. During the week, I was so focused and my mind more free that I've been for years now that I was able to get some work and reading done. Usually, I am so immobilized by all my possessions that I just surf the web or watch videos because I can focus due to the visual distraction of things that need to be organized and cleaned. Now, I'm not a hoarder as you see on A&E, but I do tend to compulsively shop when I am in a down mood. I have moderate OCD, and am a very visual person, so a cluttered house drives me nuts, but with so many things brought in by my shopping, I can't think, and feel overwhelmed with where to start decluttering. This habit started slowly in a few years ago, bug got very bad. I've gone from moving out with a large duffle bag and books, then moving from my second apartment in 2008 with just 3 suitcases comprising of all my possessions (clothing, books, shoes, bags) to 4 three by two feet closets of clothing hanging in those closets, 1 closet of shoes and bags, and 1 bin of fabric and trim. My books are contained to just a very small bookshelf because I mostly purchase eBooks now. In 2009, I only had 113 items of clothing. So, in three years my OCD and depression has made me hit rock bottom. I saw a therapist, but she did psychoanalysis, which was not helpful because I already knew my issue was depression and mild OCD. I am still looking for a cognitive behavioral therapist. When I was away Fromm home for ten three weeks, I did have some obsessive thoughts and some dark moments but I was able to deal with it by self talk and by doing my work, do they passed. However, when I'm home I'm in such an overwhelmed state that I don't have the energy to employ coping strategies.

So, I've decided to not even think about my possessions and whether I need it in the far future, I've decided only to keep only items I wore this year or that I intend to wear in the next 3 winter months. For instance, I wear mostly black, but I have quite a number of red tops, skirts and dresses just because color red is my favorite color in addition to black. I'm putting these in the donation bag without a thought of future use.

The past is the past, and we cannot hold on to it or the money or opportunities list. Nor can we plan for the future in detail, but rather just to a vague extent. My trip gave me the impetus to go back to a mknslist lifestyle. I will post more on my progress, and I hope that it helps you as well. Anyone with OCD, depression or who is a minimalist who has advice if comments to share, I welcome and appreciate them.

Thanks for reading.

Alleviating Depression - Focus on What You Enjoy & True Friends

For those who are in a down mood or struggle from depression, I found it more helpful to learn about how to be happier rather that to learn more about depression. I have read quite a bit of literature on depression, suffering from ongoing moderate depression (dysthymia) myself. There are some days that no self talk makes me better, and I try to get through it by doing things that I enjoy (the brilliant advice of my husband), such as reading some literature, writing a poem or story, sewing or seeing a friend.  What you enjoy may vary, of course. On days that I am not at my lowest, if I feel a little drained, I try to focus on things that make me less sad. While, I will never be as  happy as the average person and while I know that many with major depression need both medication and therapy from a professional, there are things we can do on a regular basis to ease the dark feelings. I have accomplished some of my best creative projects in those dark moods, so I do not hate them and I embrace the dark and light sides of life in so many ways, so I have accepted that depression is something I may struggle with my whole life as I have struggled with it for over 10 years now. However, I am slowly coming to a place of power, where I deal with it, and do not let it debilitate me.

On this note, here is a great video by Nobel laureate, Daniel Kahneman, on the subject of happiness that you may find useful.  

One thing that is very important in my own experience if you have depression is to surround yourself with people who are positive and caring. I used to have a good number of friends, but some of them were very critical, competitive and negative. I now have just a few close friends and I am much happier after seeing them once a month, than when I saw my many friends a few times a week.

Kahneman also found that based on a survey of 600,000 Americans that happiness corresponds to if you  "spend time with people you like". He said: “Below 60,000 dollars a year, people are unhappy, and they get progressively unhappier the poorer they get. Above that, we get an absolutely flat line. I mean I’ve rarely seen lines so flat."

 

Letting go of Negativity & Criticism for Growth

I have been in a bit of a rut the last few weeks, and I cannot focus on work or studying. This is difficult for me as I work from home and study at home. My work does not pay very well, and is based on an hourly rate, so distractions and not being able to focus for hours means a loss in my pay. As for the studying, I have to take 2 GRE exams (general and subject) in the next few months, so I really do not have the luxury of loosing time.

Yet, when at home, I get distracted with reorganizing my possessions, cleaning the house, and going on the internet for hours. There were many times in my life when my focus was superb. I have been thinking about those times, and what facilitated that focus. I am an HSP (highly sensitive person), so I am affected by excessive sensory stimulation. However, since I do not have to deal with the stress of a micromanaging or domineering boss as before, my environment in terms of people is not the issue. However, I have worked out of a hotel for a few days every few weeks when visiting my husband when he is away for work, and my focus has been a lot better. I do get sidetracked and watch the history channel at times as I do not have cable at home, but overall, I am not as distracted and pull myself back after wasting time for a certain interval.

Looking back at my entire life and at the times when I was able to focus and also reflecting on why I am able to focus better away from home, I realize that my possessions and worrying about the well being of others seriously drain my energy. There is such a thing as doing too much of both. This morning, in the hotel, I started thinking about the several bins of clothing, shoes and bags that I have to go through as I am trying to weed out my clothing to have a more minimalist inventory. It brought me down so much that I unconsciously started surfing the web for a few hours to not think about it. Yesterday, I began to think about how needy some people in my life are for self assurance and for me to pick them up. This also weighed down on me and drained my energy as I realized after years of positive talk to them, only a person can change their own happiness, and it is selfish to ask others to do that. Although I am a caring person, I am also an INTJ, and I show care and love in different ways. However, what makes it hard to show care to these people as they have been very critical of me as a person, and also of me not showing enough even when I am trying. So, being that they are somewhat negative people and with their past history of being critical, I often feel guilty and drained when thinking about or trying to show care for them. This has affected my focus and my self esteem over the years because I feel that no matter what I do, it is not enough for them, and they do not accept me as I am.

I am certainly not an unfeeling person, and show care to my husband and 4 close friends often enough, but these people are positive or at least show me care in return. Very lopsided or one sided relationships where one is doing most of the giving or when demands are placed upon one who is not of the ability to fulfill them are draining and bad for the psyche. So, despite my guilty feelings, I have decided to limit contact with those people until I am at a healthier place psychologically to do so. I have spent my whole life in guilt in wanting to take care of myself first and have given a lot of my time and care that I did not have to extra to give due to it. However, after seeing a psychologist who noticed this pattern, and who told me that I had a right to care for myself too, I am trying to become healthier and raise my self esteem that has been broken directly and indirectly by negative people and many of emotional and verbal abuse.

When we are able to let go of the pain of the past, and build our self esteem and ourselves again, then we will be able to give. However, we cannot cover the pain with a false sheet of trying to be a good person and being a martyr for those we love. Otherwise, it only builds resentment that resurfaces later and actually taints the love or care that we feel for others. I am a private person, so I don't reveal things about myself such as I have above to most people. However, I do hope that others who have gone through verbal and emotional abuse that has affected their self esteem and sense of self worth would be brave enough to love themselves first before trying to love others.

Reclaim Your Passion & Alievate Depression & Anxiety

I had streaks in my hair from 1996 to 2000, and then in 2008 and 2009.  Removing my streaks always coincided with my work as a paralegal because law is such a conservative field. I have missed my streaks and always felt not completely myself to have to hide to some extent who I was because of a job.

While I enjoy law a great deal and how it can benefit society, I know that I am too introverted and although I am emotionally strong, I am also a highly sensitive person, qualities that do not correlate to being involved in prosecution, human rights or environmental law as it requires a lot of activism and a very thick skin. I have been writing poetry for 20 years on and off, and wanted to be a writer when I was younger, and even started college as an English major. However, I had told my mom when I was a pre-teen and even in my teen years that I wanted to be a lawyer. I wanted to make her proud, so I stuck in the field, although I found it difficult to my psyche to subsist in such a ruthless, money driven field, even in the creative side of corporate law, trademarks and copyrights.

After a few therapy sessions, my therapist told me she found it interesting that I wanted to go to law school solely to become a law professor, and not to be a lawyer. I found out that one has to have legal practice experience as a lawyer to teach law. The prospect of having to practice corporate law to pay off law school loans of $150,000 to $180,000  it made me so anxious that I decided to re-evaluate my choice to go to law school. Therapy is a beneficial exercize, but I stopped going to the therapist after 5 sessions because she was telling me things I already knew as I am very self aware and can't afford to pay someone to tell me what I know.  I decided to take the LSAT prep test after only a month and a half of serious study 3 days a week, and I got 160. I was shocked at this because I was terrified of doing so badly on the LSAT that I put off studying for it for a whole year. I took a second pre-test to see if the first was just luck, and scored 168.  The interesting thing is that after taking test, I realized that the main reason I wanted to go to law school was to make my mom proud. I am good at English and writing, and more-so, passionate about literature and poetry, but they are not practical majors or fields where your parents can be proud of you, especially traditional parents like mine. It made me realize that as unconventional as I have been all my life, and willing to challenge what mainstream society thinks, in the area of career, I confirmed to what is expected of me because I wanted to make my mom proud as well as to be looked upon favorably by others as a success. However, in doing so, I was also stifling who I was.

I never lost my love for English. I excelled in my classes, continue to write poetry, prose and essays and read literature. I have decided to go back to this passion for literature, writing and language and study for the GRE for to get into an English MA program.

Making this decision has freed a barrier in me and to celebrate the return to my passion and myself, I have decided to redo my streaks that I gave up and have missed to pursue something other than my passion.

OCD Perfectionism & Criticism

I desire perfectionism - it is not due to ego or society, but because I just prefer and enjoy seeing a perfectly organized closet or a perfectly punctuated/written piece of work. However, I cannot be perfect in everything or even half of the things I want to be so because I just don't have the time and energy to achieve that, and this causes me a lot of issues because I have had OCD perfectionism for as long as I can remember. As a child, I was highly functioning, so it aided me in some ways, but as I became socialized in my pre-teens, it started slowly to become maladaptive perfectionism as I became aware of the expectations of others and also aware that I didn't always fit in or relate to people 100% or as much as others seemed to relate. The other thing that I struggle with is moderate, chronic depression, which is why on some days, I am not at my best and just don't have the energy to get get things done perfectly or to my standards. This, then often leads me to not doing anything at all by procrastinating and doing more distracting and less stressful things, such as surfing the web, reading non-related books than my studies, etc. In the end, though, it makes me feel more depressed to not have worked towards my goals. One other thing I struggle with is social anxiety. I am certain that many people with OCD perfectionism struggle with this as well. We desire to portray a perfect image to the world or to play the perfect role in whatever situation, and since we are already hard on ourselves due to perfectionism, any criticism hits us 100 times harder than it does someone without OCD. Sometimes people may not even be critical, but we feel we falter on how we should be in a certain role.

For instance, I have social skills and am not an awkward person, but I am also an introvert. I turn on the outgoing switch when the time and situation calls for it, and I think I do well enough with it as I make acquaintances easily. However, doing it daily or even a few times a week is absolutely exhausting for me. I sometimes feel guilty for seeing friends and family only once every week or two weeks. I am not working now, so I have the time, and although I love my friends and family and enjoy seeing them, I really just want to be alone most of the time. To add to that, sometimes my depression will act up, and I do not want to interact with people, except for my husband who sees me and accepts me and is rarely critical. (My husband is not goth, but his normalcy gives me a sense of balance, which is something I need  with these issues.) So, I will avoid going outside for days at a time and even put off errands and chores because I feel guilty for being in society and not engaging in it by small talk or polite greeting. However, due to my OCD, I feel guilty to do this or not to see friends and family because I feel like I am not fulfilling my role as polite member of society, daughter, sister, friend, employee, acquaintance, even member of the goth community (since I don't like clubs and rarely go to shows), etc. For friends, family members and bosses/colleagues who can be critical, but who I am sure mean no real harm to me, I sometimes dread talking to them or hanging out with them, even though I love them because I get anxious about possible judgment, expectation and criticism when I don't do what they want or see fit. I have even projected and judged them in return and thought that they are negative people, so I will not hang with them. However, although they might have some judge-mental tendencies, they are not blatantly offensive, and I do want them in my life, and with some, I have to deal with for work, so I have to work on not letting the standards and criticisms of others add to my already too high and unforgiving standards that I have on myself.

My advice to those who struggle with the same things as I do is to try to be mindful if criticisms are your own or that of others. It is really important to build self esteem and a personal value system, so you are not affected by the words or expectation of others. No matter what someone thinks and say to you, even if you have to grin and bear it to get on in your family or at your job, please practice trying to not let it penetrate to your self worth. I have done that in the past, and small criticisms added up and became so debilitating that I quit several very good job that I now regret leaving, especially now that the paralegal market is so slow and because I really did enjoy working with my boss and colleagues. I just let the criticism that anyone experiences in any job affect me. It was due to my desire to be perfect, so if anyone saw imperfection in me, I took it really hard, and rather than deal with the issue, my defense mechanism was avoidance and to run/quit. Sometimes we just don't want to let people down, but we really can't please everyone all the time. However, all these experiences, as painful and regretful as they are now, has led me to have no choice but to accept that my OCD perfectionism is a problem that cannot be ignored and that has to be worked on continuously, and maybe even for the rest of my life, since it is genetic as well as from my pre-teen upbringing to now.

Remember to be kind to yourself and not too critical. People with OCD perfectionism and depression are their own worse enemies, and that is why the criticism from others becomes unbearable. However, realize that your intense emotional (hidden, not displayed often in my case) to the criticism of others is because you are not forgiving on yourself. Taking it on yourself easy does not mean inertia as that will make the OCD and depression worse. Being kind to yourself means getting up after each bout or fall, small or large, and not determining your self worth by results. Many people with depression and OCD are kind and gentle people to others, but not to ourselves. I consistently have to remind myself that I would not be so unforgiving on a friend if she made a mistake or didn't perform well enough. I still struggle with it, but I think it will get better with consistent practice. Lack of consistency and structure has been my downfall. However, it is never too late to get better or improve, even little by little. Babies fall numerous times a day, and we still love them just the same and encourage them on. Begin the practice of nurturing yourself in the same way.

Therapy & Personality Disorders (Batfit Health Challenge)

Le Professeur Gothique asked for a Batfit Challenge assessment recently. While I did not start the challenge six months ago at it's original juncture, I would like to now as I am periodically and continuously seeking to improve, although I lack consistency. It got me thinking about mental health, and my current and past state, and how I have grown as well as how I can improve.

We don't live in a perfect world, and many try to avoid the negative in life by running from it or avoiding it. One thing I have found common in many goths (though not all as nothing is absolute) of all genres and backgrounds is the willingness to face themselves head on and look at both the good and the bad in life as well as themselves. I think that it takes courage for anyone regardless of what group or subculture they are in to look at themselves and want to understand, change and improve.

I know that many people are inherently goth from their natural tastes and dispositions. At least, I know I am that way. Concurrently, many goths are highly sensitive persons (HSP), introverted or struggling with depression or another personality disorder. It is just the cards dealt by biology or behavioral environment. The same occurs for mainstream society. I don't feel that goths are obsessed with suicide, dying or death like the common misconception of those not in the subculture. Goths just choose to explore death and depression if they are depressed, rather than run from it. I know that like many people with depression, goths or mainstream, some probably have thought about or attempted suicide, but for many thankfully, it is a learning experience. I have had depression for a number of years and OCD perfectionism, and did not come into the goth subculture because of it. I was already predisposed to darker tastes and interested in darker literature as a result of these issues.  I don't like to talk about it with random people nor do I like to bring it up too much because I feel selfish to dominate a conversation with my issues, but it's great to know that I can talk about it without feeling judged, and actually feel understood as I find many goths have a deeper understanding of things.

Below is a listing of personality disorders. I list them because I think the first step to helping oneself is to recognize some traits that you have that may be affecting your life and your functioning. Recognizing those traits is the first step to improving oneself. If your symptoms and habits are drastically affecting your life, please seek medical attention in the form of psychotherapy or medication on the advice of a psychiatrist. If you are not completely sure what your issues are, a psychologist or psychiatrist can help clarify things and also lead you into cognitive behavioral therapy. Even if you understand yourself, it can be difficult to change if you are not very vigilant and aware of your detrimental thoughts and emotions. I have been employing my own methods of self-help for years for my OCD and depression, but they are not always fool-proof, especially in stressful times, so I might try therapy also. I usually employ the techniques of mindfulness, pranayama yogic breathing, yoga, write poetry and journal to help myself. Sometimes, though, even with awareness, we need a therapist to help uncover and change underlying negative attitudes and behaviors, so I believe I will visit a therapist in the future to see if it is helpful to uncover and change negative self view as well as clarify other things. One thing that I would like to clarify myself is that while I am not shy and don't mind speaking in public, I am very sensitive to criticism or fear being judged only by people I respect or value, such as close friends, close family or authority figures (bosses, professors, etc.), but not strangers as much. On some days, I also dislike small talk with strangers or people I am not close to or just want to be alone away from everyone, so I will avoid going to shops where I generally chit chat with the owners. However, I would not call it a fear of people, even in those days. I think these things fall in the line of depression, OCD, social anxiety or avoidance personality disorder, but sometimes I can't put my finger on if the feeling causes the behavior or if the behavior/situation causes the feeling. This is something a therapist would be able to give me a more objective view on.

In regards to therapy, I believe that going to a trained psychologist or psychiatrist, rather than a therapist with little educational background. It is also a good idea to get a therapist trained in your issue area, if you are aware of it on some level. I am a very private person (ironic because I am blogging about issues here, but I do so to help others), so I want to make sure that the person I am opening up to on deep issues is not trained, and that I will not have to go to multiple people to find someone who understands my issues. Psychologists and psychiatrists have clinical training as well as educational training and have confidentiality and ethical codes that they follow. Therapy can be very expensive, so you should expect good quality service as well. Here is a link to find a therapist in your area. You can filter by training type, gender, specialty, and more.

Summary of the Personality Disorders

Schizothymic

Hyperesthetic

Obsessive-Compulsive Personality Disorder
 
Perfectionism; inflexibility; correctness; self-righteousness; authoritarianism; workaholism; indecisiveness; overconscientiousness; scrupulousness; restricted expression of affection; parsimony; obstinacy; orderliness; hoarding. 

 

Avoidant Personality Disorder
Social discomfort; fear of negative evaluation; timidity; sensitivity to criticism and disapproval; introversion; social anxiety; fear of embarrassment; fear of rejection; social isolation; yearning for affection and acceptance. 

Paranoid Personality Disorder
Distrust; suspiciousness; expectations of being exploited; questioning the loyalty of friends; reading hidden demeaning and threatening meanings into benign remarks or events; bearing grudges; being easily slighted; questioning the fidelity of spouse. 

Histrionic Personality Disorder
Excessive emotionality and attention-seeking; dependence upon reassurance, approval, and praise; sexual seductiveness; overconcern with physical attractiveness; emotional exaggeration and shallow expression of emotions; self-centeredness; strong drive for immediate gratification of desires; impressionistic speech.

Anesthetic

Sadistic Personality Disorder
Cruel, demeaning, aggressive behavior; physical cruelty; dominance; humiliating people in public; harshly disciplining those under their control; pleasure in harming or inflicting pain; intimidation; restricting the autonomy of others; fascination with violence, weapons, martial arts, injury, or torture. 

Schizotypal Personality Disorder
Deficits in interpersonal relatedness; peculiarities of ideation, appearance, and behavior; ideas of reference; excessive social anxiety; odd beliefs or magical thinking; unusual perceptual experiences; odd, eccentric behavior or appearance; having no close friends or confidants; odd speech; inappropriate or constricted affect; suspiciousness or paranoid ideation. 

Compensatory Narcissistic Personality Disorder
Low self-esteem; pseudo-confidence; exhibitionism; pretentiousness; constant striving for prestige; intellectual narcissism; delusions of superiority; deceitfulness; manipulativeness; cynicism; confidence games; idealized object representations; defense mechanism of externalization; fragmentation of the self, feelings of emptiness and deadness; proud, hubristic temperament; megalomania; hypochondriasis; impulsiveness; substance abuse; self-destructiveness. 

Schizoid Personality Disorder
Indifference to social relationships; restricted range of emotional experience and expression; avoiding close relationships; always choosing solitary activities; phlegmatic temperament; rarely experiencing strong emotions; avoiding sexual experiences; indifference to praise and criticism; having no close friends or confidants; constricted affect: aloofness, coldness, and little reciprocation of gestures or facial expressions.

Cyclothymic

Depressive

Passive-Aggressive Personality Disorder
Passive resistance to demands for adequate social and occupational performance; procrastination; sulkiness, irritability, and argumentativeness when asked to do something; working deliberately slowly or doing a bad job; unjustified protests that others make unreasonable demands; claims to have "forgotten" obligations; rating own job performance much higher than others do; resenting useful suggestions; obstructing others by not doing own job; criticizing and scorning those in authority. 

Depressive Personality Disorder
Depressive cognition and behavior; dejection, gloominess, cheerlessness, joylessness, unhappiness; low self-esteem; beliefs of inadequacy and worthlessness; criticism, blaming, and derogation of self; brooding and worry; negativism, criticism, and judging of others; pessimism; remorsefulness and guilt feelings.

Masochistic Personality Disorder
Self-defeating behavior; undermining or avoidance of pleasurable experiences; involvement in situations and experiences which bring suffering; rejection or prevention of help from others; entering into relationships which bring disappointment, failure, and mistreatment; depression, guilt, and accidents in reaction to positive personal events; provocation of angry and rejecting responses from others; failure to accomplish tasks crucial to self-interest; rejection of those who treat them well; excessive, unsolicited self-sacrifice. 

Dependent Personality Disorder
Dependent and submissive behavior; excessive dependence upon advice and reassurance; allowing others to make important personal decisions; agreeing with others to avoid being rejected; lack of initiative; doing unpleasant and demeaning tasks for the sake of acceptance; feelings of helplessness when alone; feelings of devastation and helplessness when relationships end; being easily hurt by criticism and disapproval.

Hypomanic

Narcissistic Personality Disorder
High self-esteem; grandiosity; lack of empathy; an arrogant, haughty attitude; interpersonal exploitation; grandiose sense of self-importance; exaggerates achievements and talents, expects to be recognized as superior without commensurate achievements; conviction of uniqueness, specialness; belief that they can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people (or institutions); fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love; sense of entitlement; requiring constant attention and admiration; feelings of envy, believes that others are envious. 

Antisocial Personality Disorder
Irresponsible, antisocial behavior; failure to honor financial obligations; failure to be a responsible parent; failure to plan ahead; inability to sustain consistent work behavior; failure to conform to social norms; antisocial acts that are grounds for arrest, e.g., destroying property, harassing others, stealing, or having an illegal occupation; irritability and aggression; reckless behavior without regard to personal safety; promiscuity; callousness and lack of remorse; inability to tolerate boredom; depression; beliefs that others are hostile to them; incapacity for close, lasting relationships. 

Borderline Personality Disorder
Instability of mood, interpersonal relationships, and self-image; alternation between extremes of overidealization and devaluation in relationships; impulsiveness in spending, sex, substance use, shoplifting, reckless driving, or binge eating; affective instability; inappropriate, intense anger or lack of control of anger; suicidal threats, gestures, or behavior; self-mutilation; identity disturbance; feelings of emptiness or boredom; frantic efforts to avoid abandonment.

Cyclothymic Personality Disorder
Periodic, extreme shifts in mood and behavior, e.g., from insomnia or hypersomnia to decreased need for sleep; from low energy or chronic fatigue to more energy than usual; from feelings of inadequacy to inflated self-esteem; from decreased effectiveness to increased productivity; from decreased attention, concentration, or ability to think clearly to sharpened and unusually creative thinking; from social withdrawal to uninhibited people seeking; from loss of interest in sex to hypersexuality; from reduction in pleasurable activities to excessive involvement in them; from timidity to physical recklessness; from being less talkative than usual to being extremely talkative; from pessimistic attitude to an overly optimistic one; from tearfulness or crying to inappropriate laughing, joking, and punning.

Summarized from: American Psychiatric Association. Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, 3rd ed.(1980), 3rd ed., Rev.(1987), 4th ed.(1994). Washington: American Psychiatric Association. 

source: http://www.ptypes.com/summary.html

Psychological Implications of Clutter

Many times we hoard items because it gives us a sense of security. A guest on Oprah noted that many people keep things and develop clutter because they fear the future, or for other psychological reasons. Although I don’t believe I am a compulsive hoarder, it would be advisable that readers take a look at this link if they have a problem with clutter and hoarding.

We can all relate to some of these items in some manner, but the most important thing is to not let yourself slip too much if you do slip. I notice that I always buy stuff or keep stuff to alleviate boredom and take my mind off stress or insecurity about the future. I started  buying items after I got a job because I was not able to without feeling guilty to when I was not working,  and I indulged now that I got a job.

I have reorganized every week or two, but reorganizing is not enough because the clutter returns. At first, I thought it is because I don’t have enough time to clean as before and that I don’t put things in their rightful places because I am sometimes in a rush.
I am admitting to myself that I simply have too much stuff still. This has included 6 packets of  index cards and index card boxes, folders, a rainboot, 2 baking pans, 4 cardigans for winter, 4 sweaters and 4 summer cardigans and 3 suit jackets that were unnecesary as I have enough clothing, but that I thought would be work appropriate.  Since I brought several items in, I need to donate several items of clothing that I worn less than 5 times, but that I hold on to because they are good quality.

Papers, namely magazines and books have also piled up. Feeling terrible due to sustainability issues, I refused to throw magazines out until I read them, and there aren’t any places I can donate them in my area.  Luckily, my subscriptions have expired, and I have been reading and recycling some, so there are about 10 only that I have to scan and recycle now. My books are another story because I bought many in certain times in my life that will offer beneficial advice for my well being as well as for my interest in literature. The solution here is that I am going to read the ones that I want to read the most, as opposed to my strategy of saving them for last, and after I have read them all, to purchase a ebook reader and only buy ebooks from hereon. I love books, but I am not settled in life, and don’t want to be too attached to any home, so a ebook reader, though pricey at $300 and above will save me alot of time and space.  I will only purchase paper books that I really want to read and that are not in ebook format.

I watched a movie called Mongul about the life of Ghengis Khan, and the rusticness and nomadicness of life back then really appealed to me, though not the violence. It always makes me appreciate my life, and make me feel happiess when I live as simply and with as few items as possible. Having too many items lures us into a false sense of security especially when you may feel you do not have control in your life in some areas, or are unsatisfied in some areas. However, it actually does not alleviate those feelings, but adds  more fuel to it because many possessions make you loose your control of what is important to you as you are bombarded with so many items. It also takes away from your time as you have to care for, clean and some even subconciously worry about loosing stuff. Make sure that security is in yourself and your life, not in your possessions.

Let Possessions Go = Embrace the Present Self

I have had the guilt over letting go of possessions because I have more than I honestly need and use. Being that I am not working at the moment, I have had some pangs of hesitation to letting go lately, that is not very common for me. It is due to the guilt of money wasted and loosing money when I am not bringing in any income at the moment.

I have listed many items on Ebay, but have either not had sales because people want it dirt cheap. Ebay also high seller insertion fees and final value fees, so the few I have sold have only resulted in about $8 per item for items that were new and valued at least $50 each. I have also had the headache of some buyers not paying and having to initiate a dispute or wanting to return items because they change their mind. I do not get reimbursed for the insertion fees or shipping fees if the buyer returns the item. So, unless there is an item that you can make at least $30 selling, it is not worth it. Consequently, only name high end brand items sell for at least $30. My H&M clothes have not resulted in sales. The time to prepare the item and wait in the post office to ship it does not seem to be worth the $5 net that I make on lower end brand items. Consignment shops only usually give $5 to $10 even for high end items.

I have never hesitated to donate in the past, but there are only two charities that pick up, and I don't have a car to take items to legitimate charities. The two charities that pick up are not well known charities, and I have seen people selling used clothing in Chinatown and other areas, so I am not sure if these charities are legitimate, as research on the internet have not given much detail than a simple website that anyone can make. Since I purchased my items with my hard earned money, I want them to be used to legitimately help others.

However, I have come to a new conclusion today that we can't control certain things, especially the actions of others. When we give money to a homeless person, we cannot be sure that he will use the money for food rather than for alcohol or drugs. We hope that he will use it for food, but we really don't know, do we? My choice with this issue has been to give homeless people only food, and not money. However, with our clothing donations, we can't be sure that the charities are selling the items and using it to help the less fortunate, rather than for their own pockets.

I have accumulated a pile of items as I have lost weight since going back to being a vegetarian a year ago. Many of my items don't fit and cannot be altered and some items cause skin allergies (such as wool and cashmere). While I have donated much in the past, I have held onto good quality items, such as name brand items, items made of wool or cashmere and new shoes or shoes worn just a few times, but are now very tight on me. (My feet have gotten wider as I walk a lot these days, so I have to wear a 6 wide width to 6.5. I can no longer wear my size 5 1/2 or regular size 6 shoes). I have held onto these items, even though I purchased new items to fit me appropriately now because I hoped to sell them on eBay, but deep inside I knew it was not worth the effort, especially when even some of my name brand items didn't sell. I have held on to these items because of guilt and inability to let go of the past, and fear of the future and what I cannot control.

I feel guilt because I am not working and the items discarded are a symbol of the time I worked to earn money to buy the item. I also feel guilt for enjoying shopping for these items, thinking it will bring joy to me, when that joy lasted for only a short time.  I feel fear of the future because my mother's constant about not throwing things away because you may need them someday and not have money has made me fearful of not having enough in the future. I have kept many items that didn't sell with the thought that I can refashion clothing into new clothing, but I don't need anymore, so it makes no sense other than adding to the clutter.

Yet today, I am doing a big overhaul and letting go of these chains of guilt and fear. I purchased some of the items in times of pain and uneasiness due to tragedy and feeling down. Keeping items that remind me of that and make me feel guilty for going against my nature and knowledge that objects don't bring peace only make me feel worse in this moment. The reason for the purchase, the time and money spent are now all the past. I cannot get the time or money back, and that is fine. The awareness and lessons from mistakes are jewels of the present that I can apply in the present and not make the same mistakes again. The fear of the future is unfounded. I am not an invalid nor an unintelligent or lazy person. Although I am studying for grad school now, and not working, I will work in the future. Although I don't have extensive long term experiences at jobs, I have managed to get jobs in the past, and at each job, I was valued for my hard work, intelligence, resourcefulness and desire to do well and be efficient.

The fear of not being able to make money or not having enough is not because I crave material things for comfort, but because I am allowing the fears and words of others in society to affect my own view of myself and my capabilities. Not working, worrying about the future, and reflecting about the mistakes of the past diminishes the self esteem and is dis-empowering.

Letting go of things that hold you back, be they ideas, frames of thinking or possessions is a way of empowering yourself because you are challenging the things that cause fear, anxiety or guilt in you. While we cannot control the future or the actions of others, including charities, we can control ourselves and how we view life and ourselves. We can view ourselves as strong and adaptive, or flawed, fearful or always making mistakes.

Holding on to possessions with the hope of one day selling on ebay, while they pile up and cause us  to waste time re-arranging, cleaning and feeling guilty about only makes us  feel a loss of energy. While we may have indeed wasted money by buying these items, and not using them and now donating them, we do not have to wallow in mistakes and bad choices forever. We can take this as an opportunity for strength  to overcome the past, live solely in the present and take actions for a more fruitful future.

So, today if you are trying to reduce your possessions, take a deep breath and let go of the attachment to the past, to attitudes you have held on to, to guilt and to the possessions. Don't look at the possessions and create stories in your mind or lament over the feelings associated with them. Don't let yourself feel the overwhelming feelings of guilt and fear, but feel the emotions of the the beginning of a freer, less attached you, that lives only in the present. Take that donation box, and just ruthlessly put in the items that you have not used in the last few months or that do not give value to who you are now and who you want to be. Let go, welcome change and embrace today.

Moderation for Progress

I have a high respect for people who are minimalist due to the sheer discipline. However, I have found that some people believe that doing so makes you automatically a successful and self fulfilled person. I was a minimalist to some extent for most of my life in that I had only clothing and items I used, except for my large library of books. In my mid twenties, I shopped a lot, trying to fit an image that friends said I needed in the corporate world. However, unlike before, many of the items I had were not really "me", but others style that they oppressed on me. So, in the last 4 years, I went on an extreme spin to be a minimalist. It was great to challenge myself to see how much I can live without. Yet, I don't feel that I moved much towards achieving success in life due to it. I enjoy material things, but was never attached to them nor did I ever have the mistaken belief that I would find happiness purely by obtaining stuff. However, the minimalist goals of living close to the land, living with less stuff, shopping less and finding more time for friends and family did not fulfill me in themselves. I have always seen family as important, and other than school loans, I have never been in debt over purchasing items. I don't believe in having stuff you don't use, nor buying stuff you don't use, though I have certainly had my mishaps. I also don't believe in rampant consumerism for the sake of it or for the false believe that it will fulfill you. Doing without is refreshing and freeing, but having also can create joy and comfort. Therefore, I find moderation, not minimalism or extreme materialism is a better way.

What struck me about many minimalists is that they are so extreme. Some harped at me for owning 20 pairs of shoes when I work in the corporate legal field and live in NYC where our streets are not forgiving on shoes, and where we have 4 seasons.

People seem to have categories of minimalism now, such as extreme minimalist or moderate minimalist, but these are highly arbitrary. You are either a minimalist (obsessed with reducing possessions & living with less), an materialist/extremist (obsessed with gaining material possessions) or a moderate. I think most people fall into the category of being moderate, and with anything in life, moderation may be be the best in most things. I personally do not consider myself a minimalist or a materialist, but rather a moderate.

I am not obsessed with material things, but I have no desire to be so strict on myself that I cannot enjoy a small shopping trip now and then. I donate regularly, so I am not so attached to things that I am not letting them go. While I have had guilt at wasting money on purchases that didn't fit into my lifestyle in the past, it was a valuable lesson learned, and one that I remember to not commit. I make time for friends and family, and know that they are a great treasure. However, I am aware that my peace and self fulfillment is most important as if I don't have those, I am not as pleasant, encouraging and kind as I could be. So, yes, I do want to move up in life. I have career goals that I want to achieve. I would like to live a comfortable life. However, I also have big dreams to help others if I am blessed enough to achieve wealth. My reasons for attaining career success are 1) to be self fulfilled and reach my highest potential, 2) to be self sufficient so I am not a burden or expense on my family and to build a life with my husband, and 3) to give back to my close family, close friends and society. They are all equally important goals to me. In being self fulfilled, I like to have nice things and enjoy beauty. It is not a need per se, but something that makes me happy to reward myself for my hard work.

So, extreme minimalists may not agree and look down. I know some who are not working or are just happy being where they are in life, just living on a small budget and hanging out with friends and family in most of their time. That may make them happy, and that is fine. I personally think contentment is commendable. However, as much as I love people and my loved ones, having goals and challenging myself to achieve is also integral to my happiness. So, to each his own.

The Greatest Skill - A Positive Attitude

I can attest to my performance in any area of life being contingent on my attitude. I am human, and I have had let criticisms and negative comments from some "friends" affect me, although I have been for most of my life, encouraging to friends. However, when it comes down to fulfillment in our life, we are ultimately responsible. So, in cases such as these, we should internally deflect these comments or defend ourselves and wait to see if the friends change this behavior. If they don't, distance yourself, and don't let them sully your attitude with their negativity. Sometimes, we also are our own spirit-dampener, whether it is because we are used to the habit of pessimism ourselves or if we are going through depression due to a rough time in our lives. However, a positive attitude is the greatest skill that we can have to make progress internally and externally in life. Comforting friends and expressing ourselves is not a bad thing. We all need that. Even criticism is not bad if the person does so with a solution to help us, and says it in a gentle way. However, people who are consistently miserable do not help themselves or the world at large. We will all have our moments, but as a whole, starting today, try to eradicate a consistently negative outlook from your own mind, and do not spread the poison of negativity. Every day is filled with gifts of life if we would only move the veils away and see clearly.

Here are some quotes that inspire me on the topic:

• Since the house is on fire, let us warm ourselves.  -Italian Proverb
• Whatever you think the world is withholding from you, you are withholding from the world.  ~Eckhart Tolle
• In the depth of winter I finally learned that there was in me an invincible summer.  ~Albert Camus, Lyrical and Critical Essays
• If you don't think every day is a good day, just try missing one.  -Cavett Robert
• Oh, my friend, it's not what they take away from you that counts.  It's what you do with what you have left.  -Hubert Humphrey
• Learn to smile at every situation.  See it as an opportunity to prove your strength and ability.  -Joe Brown
• A person will sometimes devote all his life to the development of one part of his body - the wishbone.  -Robert Frost
• Life is a shipwreck, but we must not forget to sing in the lifeboats.  ~Voltaire
• The sun shines and warms and lights us and we have no curiosity to know why this is so; but we ask the reason of all evil, of pain, and hunger, and mosquitoes and silly people.  ~Ralph Waldo Emerson
• If you aren't fired with enthusiasm, you will be fired with enthusiasm.  ~Vince Lombardi
• My riches consist not in the extent of my possessions, but in the fewness of my wants.  ~J. Brotherton
• I don't like that man.  I must get to know him better.  ~Abraham Lincoln
• I don't think of all the misery but of the beauty that still remains.  ~Anne Frank, The Diary of a Young Girl
• The best things in life are unexpected - because there were no expectations.  ~Eli Khamarov, Surviving on Planet Reebok
• Nothing contributes so much to tranquilize the mind as a steady purpose - a point on which the soul may fix its intellectual eye.  ~Mary Wollstonecraft Shelley, Frankenstein, 1818
• Enjoy the little things, for one day you may look back and realize they were the big things.  ~Robert Brault, www.robertbrault.com
• Whenever you fall, pick something up.  ~Oswald Avery
• Success is due less to ability than to zeal.  ~Charles Buxton
• You're not going to make me have a bad day.  If there's oxygen on earth and I'm breathing, it's going to be a good day.  ~Cotton Fitzsimmons
• Look at everything as though you were seeing it either for the first or last time.  ~Betty Smith
• The test of a first-rate intelligence is the ability to hold two opposed ideas in the mind at the same time, and still retain the ability to function.  One should, for example, be able to see that things are hopeless and yet be determined to make them otherwise.  ~F. Scott Fitzgerald
• I will not let anyone walk through my mind with their dirty feet.  ~Mahatma Gandhi
• There's a saying among prospectors:  "Go out looking for one thing, and that's all you'll ever find."  ~Robert Flaherty
• The soul does not absorb negativity by accident, always by choice.  ~Dodinsky, www.dodinsky.com
• Being a sex symbol has to do with an attitude, not looks.  Most men think it's looks, most women know otherwise.  ~Kathleen Turner
• We cannot direct the wind but we can adjust the sails.  ~Author Unknown
• The block of granite which was an obstacle in the pathway of the weak, became a stepping-stone in the pathway of the strong.  ~Thomas Carlyle
• We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us.  ~Joseph Campbell

Being Your Authentic Self (Self-Esteem & Self-Actualization)

It is a conundrum that I am sure humans have faced since the dawn of civilization and society: be autonomous, unique and independent OR be harmonious and confirm to certain ideals of society. Personally, I have been on both sides of the spectrum, but 80% on the side of being independent. However, it has been an extreme that has not always created balance and clarity in my life. This is because the fact is that we live in a society and have to play by certain rules and need each other to subsist. I certainly have needed people in my life, but I am very stubborn to ask for help due to not burdening others, but more so out of not wanting to give up control to anyone or my authenticity to appease others. However, the truth is that unless you live on the land, fetch your own water from streams, hunt wild animals and build a hut from forest timber, we all need people and interact with people in our day to day lives. I enjoy people and a thriving environment very much, but have been torn by the need for human contact, interaction and help.

Here's a great video about self-esteem and Self-Actualization pertaining to Abraham Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs, which has to do with being the being the best version of yourself. I will post more on this topic in the future.

Words to Inspire You

"Oh, my friend, it's not what they take away from you that counts. It's what you do with what you have left." - Hubert Humphrey

"Self-actualization refers to the desire for self-fulfillment, ...to the desire to become more and more what one is, to become everything that one is capable of becoming." - A.H. Maslow

Top Productivity Blogs

I don't read or follow all of these. Those that I have visited more than once are listed on my Favorite Blogs link. Many of these are super helpful and encouraging, especially when I am having a low day, and don't feel much like writing myself.

http://zenhabits.net/the-top-50-productivity-blogs-most-of-which-you-havent-heard-about/