I had streaks in my hair from 1996 to 2000, and then in 2008 and 2009. Removing my streaks always coincided with my work as a paralegal because law is such a conservative field. I have missed my streaks and always felt not completely myself to have to hide to some extent who I was because of a job.
While I enjoy law a great deal and how it can benefit society, I know that I am too introverted and although I am emotionally strong, I am also a highly sensitive person, qualities that do not correlate to being involved in prosecution, human rights or environmental law as it requires a lot of activism and a very thick skin. I have been writing poetry for 20 years on and off, and wanted to be a writer when I was younger, and even started college as an English major. However, I had told my mom when I was a pre-teen and even in my teen years that I wanted to be a lawyer. I wanted to make her proud, so I stuck in the field, although I found it difficult to my psyche to subsist in such a ruthless, money driven field, even in the creative side of corporate law, trademarks and copyrights.
After a few therapy sessions, my therapist told me she found it interesting that I wanted to go to law school solely to become a law professor, and not to be a lawyer. I found out that one has to have legal practice experience as a lawyer to teach law. The prospect of having to practice corporate law to pay off law school loans of $150,000 to $180,000 it made me so anxious that I decided to re-evaluate my choice to go to law school. Therapy is a beneficial exercize, but I stopped going to the therapist after 5 sessions because she was telling me things I already knew as I am very self aware and can't afford to pay someone to tell me what I know. I decided to take the LSAT prep test after only a month and a half of serious study 3 days a week, and I got 160. I was shocked at this because I was terrified of doing so badly on the LSAT that I put off studying for it for a whole year. I took a second pre-test to see if the first was just luck, and scored 168. The interesting thing is that after taking test, I realized that the main reason I wanted to go to law school was to make my mom proud. I am good at English and writing, and more-so, passionate about literature and poetry, but they are not practical majors or fields where your parents can be proud of you, especially traditional parents like mine. It made me realize that as unconventional as I have been all my life, and willing to challenge what mainstream society thinks, in the area of career, I confirmed to what is expected of me because I wanted to make my mom proud as well as to be looked upon favorably by others as a success. However, in doing so, I was also stifling who I was.
I never lost my love for English. I excelled in my classes, continue to write poetry, prose and essays and read literature. I have decided to go back to this passion for literature, writing and language and study for the GRE for to get into an English MA program.
Making this decision has freed a barrier in me and to celebrate the return to my passion and myself, I have decided to redo my streaks that I gave up and have missed to pursue something other than my passion.
One thing I can tell you from experience is that being happy in your chosen field will pay you many times over in the very tangible dividends of health and mental welfare. People equate success with money and for some reason stick to antiquated and often unfounded notions of what a successful career entails. There's also not necessarily any limit with a more "creative" degree. Many people sell themselves short in that respect. Sometimes all it takes is a little business savvy (networking/marketing) and you can have your cake and eat it too.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for your comment and encouragement. I have realized that a lot of my anxiety and depression had to do with trying to fit into a career field that does not fit me, and it lowered my self esteem as a result. It is true that we do have a flawed idea of what success is our current society. Growing up, I was always the smart and sensitive one, but never the savvy one, and was often called weak and impractical. I guess I wanted to be a lawyer to not be those things. However, we all have our strengths.
DeleteI think it takes strength and courage to go for what you want and are passionate about. At the end of the day, money can buy comforts that we need, but never can it buy happiness. I hope that you are also content and happy in your career of choice.
Again, thank you for your encouraging words and for reading.