OCD Perfectionism & Criticism

I desire perfectionism - it is not due to ego or society, but because I just prefer and enjoy seeing a perfectly organized closet or a perfectly punctuated/written piece of work. However, I cannot be perfect in everything or even half of the things I want to be so because I just don't have the time and energy to achieve that, and this causes me a lot of issues because I have had OCD perfectionism for as long as I can remember. As a child, I was highly functioning, so it aided me in some ways, but as I became socialized in my pre-teens, it started slowly to become maladaptive perfectionism as I became aware of the expectations of others and also aware that I didn't always fit in or relate to people 100% or as much as others seemed to relate. The other thing that I struggle with is moderate, chronic depression, which is why on some days, I am not at my best and just don't have the energy to get get things done perfectly or to my standards. This, then often leads me to not doing anything at all by procrastinating and doing more distracting and less stressful things, such as surfing the web, reading non-related books than my studies, etc. In the end, though, it makes me feel more depressed to not have worked towards my goals. One other thing I struggle with is social anxiety. I am certain that many people with OCD perfectionism struggle with this as well. We desire to portray a perfect image to the world or to play the perfect role in whatever situation, and since we are already hard on ourselves due to perfectionism, any criticism hits us 100 times harder than it does someone without OCD. Sometimes people may not even be critical, but we feel we falter on how we should be in a certain role.

For instance, I have social skills and am not an awkward person, but I am also an introvert. I turn on the outgoing switch when the time and situation calls for it, and I think I do well enough with it as I make acquaintances easily. However, doing it daily or even a few times a week is absolutely exhausting for me. I sometimes feel guilty for seeing friends and family only once every week or two weeks. I am not working now, so I have the time, and although I love my friends and family and enjoy seeing them, I really just want to be alone most of the time. To add to that, sometimes my depression will act up, and I do not want to interact with people, except for my husband who sees me and accepts me and is rarely critical. (My husband is not goth, but his normalcy gives me a sense of balance, which is something I need  with these issues.) So, I will avoid going outside for days at a time and even put off errands and chores because I feel guilty for being in society and not engaging in it by small talk or polite greeting. However, due to my OCD, I feel guilty to do this or not to see friends and family because I feel like I am not fulfilling my role as polite member of society, daughter, sister, friend, employee, acquaintance, even member of the goth community (since I don't like clubs and rarely go to shows), etc. For friends, family members and bosses/colleagues who can be critical, but who I am sure mean no real harm to me, I sometimes dread talking to them or hanging out with them, even though I love them because I get anxious about possible judgment, expectation and criticism when I don't do what they want or see fit. I have even projected and judged them in return and thought that they are negative people, so I will not hang with them. However, although they might have some judge-mental tendencies, they are not blatantly offensive, and I do want them in my life, and with some, I have to deal with for work, so I have to work on not letting the standards and criticisms of others add to my already too high and unforgiving standards that I have on myself.

My advice to those who struggle with the same things as I do is to try to be mindful if criticisms are your own or that of others. It is really important to build self esteem and a personal value system, so you are not affected by the words or expectation of others. No matter what someone thinks and say to you, even if you have to grin and bear it to get on in your family or at your job, please practice trying to not let it penetrate to your self worth. I have done that in the past, and small criticisms added up and became so debilitating that I quit several very good job that I now regret leaving, especially now that the paralegal market is so slow and because I really did enjoy working with my boss and colleagues. I just let the criticism that anyone experiences in any job affect me. It was due to my desire to be perfect, so if anyone saw imperfection in me, I took it really hard, and rather than deal with the issue, my defense mechanism was avoidance and to run/quit. Sometimes we just don't want to let people down, but we really can't please everyone all the time. However, all these experiences, as painful and regretful as they are now, has led me to have no choice but to accept that my OCD perfectionism is a problem that cannot be ignored and that has to be worked on continuously, and maybe even for the rest of my life, since it is genetic as well as from my pre-teen upbringing to now.

Remember to be kind to yourself and not too critical. People with OCD perfectionism and depression are their own worse enemies, and that is why the criticism from others becomes unbearable. However, realize that your intense emotional (hidden, not displayed often in my case) to the criticism of others is because you are not forgiving on yourself. Taking it on yourself easy does not mean inertia as that will make the OCD and depression worse. Being kind to yourself means getting up after each bout or fall, small or large, and not determining your self worth by results. Many people with depression and OCD are kind and gentle people to others, but not to ourselves. I consistently have to remind myself that I would not be so unforgiving on a friend if she made a mistake or didn't perform well enough. I still struggle with it, but I think it will get better with consistent practice. Lack of consistency and structure has been my downfall. However, it is never too late to get better or improve, even little by little. Babies fall numerous times a day, and we still love them just the same and encourage them on. Begin the practice of nurturing yourself in the same way.