We don't live in a perfect world, and many try to avoid the negative in life by running from it or avoiding it. One thing I have found common in many goths (though not all as nothing is absolute) of all genres and backgrounds is the willingness to face themselves head on and look at both the good and the bad in life as well as themselves. I think that it takes courage for anyone regardless of what group or subculture they are in to look at themselves and want to understand, change and improve.
I know that many people are inherently goth from their natural tastes and dispositions. At least, I know I am that way. Concurrently, many goths are highly sensitive persons (HSP), introverted or struggling with depression or another personality disorder. It is just the cards dealt by biology or behavioral environment. The same occurs for mainstream society. I don't feel that goths are obsessed with suicide, dying or death like the common misconception of those not in the subculture. Goths just choose to explore death and depression if they are depressed, rather than run from it. I know that like many people with depression, goths or mainstream, some probably have thought about or attempted suicide, but for many thankfully, it is a learning experience. I have had depression for a number of years and OCD perfectionism, and did not come into the goth subculture because of it. I was already predisposed to darker tastes and interested in darker literature as a result of these issues. I don't like to talk about it with random people nor do I like to bring it up too much because I feel selfish to dominate a conversation with my issues, but it's great to know that I can talk about it without feeling judged, and actually feel understood as I find many goths have a deeper understanding of things.
Below is a listing of personality disorders. I list them because I think the first step to helping oneself is to recognize some traits that you have that may be affecting your life and your functioning. Recognizing those traits is the first step to improving oneself. If your symptoms and habits are drastically affecting your life, please seek medical attention in the form of psychotherapy or medication on the advice of a psychiatrist. If you are not completely sure what your issues are, a psychologist or psychiatrist can help clarify things and also lead you into cognitive behavioral therapy. Even if you understand yourself, it can be difficult to change if you are not very vigilant and aware of your detrimental thoughts and emotions. I have been employing my own methods of self-help for years for my OCD and depression, but they are not always fool-proof, especially in stressful times, so I might try therapy also. I usually employ the techniques of mindfulness, pranayama yogic breathing, yoga, write poetry and journal to help myself. Sometimes, though, even with awareness, we need a therapist to help uncover and change underlying negative attitudes and behaviors, so I believe I will visit a therapist in the future to see if it is helpful to uncover and change negative self view as well as clarify other things. One thing that I would like to clarify myself is that while I am not shy and don't mind speaking in public, I am very sensitive to criticism or fear being judged only by people I respect or value, such as close friends, close family or authority figures (bosses, professors, etc.), but not strangers as much. On some days, I also dislike small talk with strangers or people I am not close to or just want to be alone away from everyone, so I will avoid going to shops where I generally chit chat with the owners. However, I would not call it a fear of people, even in those days. I think these things fall in the line of depression, OCD, social anxiety or avoidance personality disorder, but sometimes I can't put my finger on if the feeling causes the behavior or if the behavior/situation causes the feeling. This is something a therapist would be able to give me a more objective view on.
In regards to therapy, I believe that going to a trained psychologist or psychiatrist, rather than a therapist with little educational background. It is also a good idea to get a therapist trained in your issue area, if you are aware of it on some level. I am a very private person (ironic because I am blogging about issues here, but I do so to help others), so I want to make sure that the person I am opening up to on deep issues is not trained, and that I will not have to go to multiple people to find someone who understands my issues. Psychologists and psychiatrists have clinical training as well as educational training and have confidentiality and ethical codes that they follow. Therapy can be very expensive, so you should expect good quality service as well. Here is a link to find a therapist in your area. You can filter by training type, gender, specialty, and more.
Summary of the Personality Disorders
Schizothymic
Hyperesthetic
Obsessive-Compulsive Personality Disorder
Perfectionism; inflexibility; correctness; self-righteousness; authoritarianism; workaholism; indecisiveness; overconscientiousness; scrupulousness; restricted expression of affection; parsimony; obstinacy; orderliness; hoarding.
Avoidant Personality Disorder
Social discomfort; fear of negative evaluation; timidity; sensitivity to criticism and disapproval; introversion; social anxiety; fear of embarrassment; fear of rejection; social isolation; yearning for affection and acceptance.
Social discomfort; fear of negative evaluation; timidity; sensitivity to criticism and disapproval; introversion; social anxiety; fear of embarrassment; fear of rejection; social isolation; yearning for affection and acceptance.
Paranoid Personality Disorder
Distrust; suspiciousness; expectations of being exploited; questioning the loyalty of friends; reading hidden demeaning and threatening meanings into benign remarks or events; bearing grudges; being easily slighted; questioning the fidelity of spouse.
Distrust; suspiciousness; expectations of being exploited; questioning the loyalty of friends; reading hidden demeaning and threatening meanings into benign remarks or events; bearing grudges; being easily slighted; questioning the fidelity of spouse.
Histrionic Personality Disorder
Excessive emotionality and attention-seeking; dependence upon reassurance, approval, and praise; sexual seductiveness; overconcern with physical attractiveness; emotional exaggeration and shallow expression of emotions; self-centeredness; strong drive for immediate gratification of desires; impressionistic speech.
Excessive emotionality and attention-seeking; dependence upon reassurance, approval, and praise; sexual seductiveness; overconcern with physical attractiveness; emotional exaggeration and shallow expression of emotions; self-centeredness; strong drive for immediate gratification of desires; impressionistic speech.
Anesthetic
Sadistic Personality Disorder
Cruel, demeaning, aggressive behavior; physical cruelty; dominance; humiliating people in public; harshly disciplining those under their control; pleasure in harming or inflicting pain; intimidation; restricting the autonomy of others; fascination with violence, weapons, martial arts, injury, or torture.
Sadistic Personality Disorder
Cruel, demeaning, aggressive behavior; physical cruelty; dominance; humiliating people in public; harshly disciplining those under their control; pleasure in harming or inflicting pain; intimidation; restricting the autonomy of others; fascination with violence, weapons, martial arts, injury, or torture.
Schizotypal Personality Disorder
Deficits in interpersonal relatedness; peculiarities of ideation, appearance, and behavior; ideas of reference; excessive social anxiety; odd beliefs or magical thinking; unusual perceptual experiences; odd, eccentric behavior or appearance; having no close friends or confidants; odd speech; inappropriate or constricted affect; suspiciousness or paranoid ideation.
Deficits in interpersonal relatedness; peculiarities of ideation, appearance, and behavior; ideas of reference; excessive social anxiety; odd beliefs or magical thinking; unusual perceptual experiences; odd, eccentric behavior or appearance; having no close friends or confidants; odd speech; inappropriate or constricted affect; suspiciousness or paranoid ideation.
Compensatory Narcissistic Personality Disorder
Low self-esteem; pseudo-confidence; exhibitionism; pretentiousness; constant striving for prestige; intellectual narcissism; delusions of superiority; deceitfulness; manipulativeness; cynicism; confidence games; idealized object representations; defense mechanism of externalization; fragmentation of the self, feelings of emptiness and deadness; proud, hubristic temperament; megalomania; hypochondriasis; impulsiveness; substance abuse; self-destructiveness.
Low self-esteem; pseudo-confidence; exhibitionism; pretentiousness; constant striving for prestige; intellectual narcissism; delusions of superiority; deceitfulness; manipulativeness; cynicism; confidence games; idealized object representations; defense mechanism of externalization; fragmentation of the self, feelings of emptiness and deadness; proud, hubristic temperament; megalomania; hypochondriasis; impulsiveness; substance abuse; self-destructiveness.
Schizoid Personality Disorder
Indifference to social relationships; restricted range of emotional experience and expression; avoiding close relationships; always choosing solitary activities; phlegmatic temperament; rarely experiencing strong emotions; avoiding sexual experiences; indifference to praise and criticism; having no close friends or confidants; constricted affect: aloofness, coldness, and little reciprocation of gestures or facial expressions.
Indifference to social relationships; restricted range of emotional experience and expression; avoiding close relationships; always choosing solitary activities; phlegmatic temperament; rarely experiencing strong emotions; avoiding sexual experiences; indifference to praise and criticism; having no close friends or confidants; constricted affect: aloofness, coldness, and little reciprocation of gestures or facial expressions.
Cyclothymic
Depressive
Passive-Aggressive Personality Disorder
Passive resistance to demands for adequate social and occupational performance; procrastination; sulkiness, irritability, and argumentativeness when asked to do something; working deliberately slowly or doing a bad job; unjustified protests that others make unreasonable demands; claims to have "forgotten" obligations; rating own job performance much higher than others do; resenting useful suggestions; obstructing others by not doing own job; criticizing and scorning those in authority.
Passive resistance to demands for adequate social and occupational performance; procrastination; sulkiness, irritability, and argumentativeness when asked to do something; working deliberately slowly or doing a bad job; unjustified protests that others make unreasonable demands; claims to have "forgotten" obligations; rating own job performance much higher than others do; resenting useful suggestions; obstructing others by not doing own job; criticizing and scorning those in authority.
Depressive Personality Disorder
Depressive cognition and behavior; dejection, gloominess, cheerlessness, joylessness, unhappiness; low self-esteem; beliefs of inadequacy and worthlessness; criticism, blaming, and derogation of self; brooding and worry; negativism, criticism, and judging of others; pessimism; remorsefulness and guilt feelings.
Depressive cognition and behavior; dejection, gloominess, cheerlessness, joylessness, unhappiness; low self-esteem; beliefs of inadequacy and worthlessness; criticism, blaming, and derogation of self; brooding and worry; negativism, criticism, and judging of others; pessimism; remorsefulness and guilt feelings.
Masochistic Personality Disorder
Self-defeating behavior; undermining or avoidance of pleasurable experiences; involvement in situations and experiences which bring suffering; rejection or prevention of help from others; entering into relationships which bring disappointment, failure, and mistreatment; depression, guilt, and accidents in reaction to positive personal events; provocation of angry and rejecting responses from others; failure to accomplish tasks crucial to self-interest; rejection of those who treat them well; excessive, unsolicited self-sacrifice.
Dependent Personality Disorder
Dependent and submissive behavior; excessive dependence upon advice and reassurance; allowing others to make important personal decisions; agreeing with others to avoid being rejected; lack of initiative; doing unpleasant and demeaning tasks for the sake of acceptance; feelings of helplessness when alone; feelings of devastation and helplessness when relationships end; being easily hurt by criticism and disapproval.
Dependent and submissive behavior; excessive dependence upon advice and reassurance; allowing others to make important personal decisions; agreeing with others to avoid being rejected; lack of initiative; doing unpleasant and demeaning tasks for the sake of acceptance; feelings of helplessness when alone; feelings of devastation and helplessness when relationships end; being easily hurt by criticism and disapproval.
Hypomanic
Narcissistic Personality Disorder
High self-esteem; grandiosity; lack of empathy; an arrogant, haughty attitude; interpersonal exploitation; grandiose sense of self-importance; exaggerates achievements and talents, expects to be recognized as superior without commensurate achievements; conviction of uniqueness, specialness; belief that they can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people (or institutions); fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love; sense of entitlement; requiring constant attention and admiration; feelings of envy, believes that others are envious.
High self-esteem; grandiosity; lack of empathy; an arrogant, haughty attitude; interpersonal exploitation; grandiose sense of self-importance; exaggerates achievements and talents, expects to be recognized as superior without commensurate achievements; conviction of uniqueness, specialness; belief that they can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people (or institutions); fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love; sense of entitlement; requiring constant attention and admiration; feelings of envy, believes that others are envious.
Antisocial Personality Disorder
Irresponsible, antisocial behavior; failure to honor financial obligations; failure to be a responsible parent; failure to plan ahead; inability to sustain consistent work behavior; failure to conform to social norms; antisocial acts that are grounds for arrest, e.g., destroying property, harassing others, stealing, or having an illegal occupation; irritability and aggression; reckless behavior without regard to personal safety; promiscuity; callousness and lack of remorse; inability to tolerate boredom; depression; beliefs that others are hostile to them; incapacity for close, lasting relationships.
Irresponsible, antisocial behavior; failure to honor financial obligations; failure to be a responsible parent; failure to plan ahead; inability to sustain consistent work behavior; failure to conform to social norms; antisocial acts that are grounds for arrest, e.g., destroying property, harassing others, stealing, or having an illegal occupation; irritability and aggression; reckless behavior without regard to personal safety; promiscuity; callousness and lack of remorse; inability to tolerate boredom; depression; beliefs that others are hostile to them; incapacity for close, lasting relationships.
Borderline Personality Disorder
Instability of mood, interpersonal relationships, and self-image; alternation between extremes of overidealization and devaluation in relationships; impulsiveness in spending, sex, substance use, shoplifting, reckless driving, or binge eating; affective instability; inappropriate, intense anger or lack of control of anger; suicidal threats, gestures, or behavior; self-mutilation; identity disturbance; feelings of emptiness or boredom; frantic efforts to avoid abandonment.
Instability of mood, interpersonal relationships, and self-image; alternation between extremes of overidealization and devaluation in relationships; impulsiveness in spending, sex, substance use, shoplifting, reckless driving, or binge eating; affective instability; inappropriate, intense anger or lack of control of anger; suicidal threats, gestures, or behavior; self-mutilation; identity disturbance; feelings of emptiness or boredom; frantic efforts to avoid abandonment.
Cyclothymic Personality Disorder
Periodic, extreme shifts in mood and behavior, e.g., from insomnia or hypersomnia to decreased need for sleep; from low energy or chronic fatigue to more energy than usual; from feelings of inadequacy to inflated self-esteem; from decreased effectiveness to increased productivity; from decreased attention, concentration, or ability to think clearly to sharpened and unusually creative thinking; from social withdrawal to uninhibited people seeking; from loss of interest in sex to hypersexuality; from reduction in pleasurable activities to excessive involvement in them; from timidity to physical recklessness; from being less talkative than usual to being extremely talkative; from pessimistic attitude to an overly optimistic one; from tearfulness or crying to inappropriate laughing, joking, and punning.
Periodic, extreme shifts in mood and behavior, e.g., from insomnia or hypersomnia to decreased need for sleep; from low energy or chronic fatigue to more energy than usual; from feelings of inadequacy to inflated self-esteem; from decreased effectiveness to increased productivity; from decreased attention, concentration, or ability to think clearly to sharpened and unusually creative thinking; from social withdrawal to uninhibited people seeking; from loss of interest in sex to hypersexuality; from reduction in pleasurable activities to excessive involvement in them; from timidity to physical recklessness; from being less talkative than usual to being extremely talkative; from pessimistic attitude to an overly optimistic one; from tearfulness or crying to inappropriate laughing, joking, and punning.
Summarized from: American Psychiatric Association. Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, 3rd ed.(1980), 3rd ed., Rev.(1987), 4th ed.(1994). Washington: American Psychiatric Association.
source: http://www.ptypes.com/summary.html
I am so glad that you posted this. I, too, struggle with OCD and depression, as well as panic disorder. I know how hard it is to do things when you are battling perfectionism (I can spend 3 hours cleaning one corner of the house only to have a disaster zone surrounding me. This only ends in me beating myself up because I feel like I will never get anything done "right"). I think it is important that those of us share our experiences and feelings. We shouldn't feel ashamed of who we are just because our brain react a little differently than someone who is "healthy". There ia great book that I have found offers many practical ideas on how to battle depresion naturally called "The Depression Cure". When I was waiting for an appt to see a psychiatrist during this last bout of depression, I employed some of the steps he suggested and found that it did help...at least enough for me to manage day to day existence until I could get to a psychiatrist.
ReplyDeleteBravo on not hiding in the shadows, and again, I thank you for writing this.
Skarlett,
DeleteEvery word of your comment resounded with me, even the cleaning. In fact, I have tried so many times to de-clutter over the years, and it is never achieved because of the perfectionism and compulsions. I completely understand your despair. Some think it is laziness or lack of motivation, but only a sufferer from OCD and depression know how debilitating it is. I think sharing with each other is also very therapeutic, so thank you for sharing as well.
Thanks also for the book suggestion. I am currently reading Feeling Good by David D. Burns, which explores cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) methods in depth. CBT is hard work, but it is supposed to have more permanent results than medication. I think it is important to give oneself credit for the small improvements, especially people with these issues as we have, can be too hard on ourselves at times.