There's a category 1 hurricane occurring in New York, and while I don't want people's homes to be flooded, and I have been checking up on my loved ones, I'm actually loving the storm. The wind is howling as you can hear in the above video that I filmed from my window. The trees having been swaying a bit dangerously as the wind is blowing at 90 mph. I'm barely moving the camera. The sky has been dark and dreary all day. No one is outside, and cars rarely pass by. Yet, I honestly love it. I have always enjoyed the rain when I am indoors. I love to see it on the wet leaves on the trees and on the pavement, which is why autumn has always been my favorite season. I know its odd to like storms and dreary weather, but it is quite peaceful, it mirrors my mood at times, and it reminds me that I'm human and how fragile, yet precious is life.
I haven't been quite productive, but I've enjoyed this lazy day of watching missed re-runs of The Vampire Diaries and True Blood.
I do hope to get some housework done after one more episode as I just returned from a trip from San Antonio with my husband. Ironically, we left sunny weather, with the temperatures at approximately 88 degrees. My husband had a work assignment, and it was the first time I had ever left my home or New York for more than a week and a half. I was there for 3 weeks, and it was so freeing being away from all the clutter in my apartment. As I mentioned in some of my recent posts, I've been trying to Ho back to a minimalist lifestyle because I find that whenever I have more than I need and use, I get very unfocused, and it brings on bouts of moderate depression. However, I have been struggling with letting things go because I am only working 8 - 10 hours a week now, and I felt like I was wasting and loosing money by donating or discarding my items.
However, this trip was quite an eye opener on how badly my possessions were draining my energy. Since my husband was working, we only went out on weekends. During the week, I was so focused and my mind more free that I've been for years now that I was able to get some work and reading done. Usually, I am so immobilized by all my possessions that I just surf the web or watch videos because I can focus due to the visual distraction of things that need to be organized and cleaned. Now, I'm not a hoarder as you see on A&E, but I do tend to compulsively shop when I am in a down mood. I have moderate OCD, and am a very visual person, so a cluttered house drives me nuts, but with so many things brought in by my shopping, I can't think, and feel overwhelmed with where to start decluttering. This habit started slowly in a few years ago, bug got very bad. I've gone from moving out with a large duffle bag and books, then moving from my second apartment in 2008 with just 3 suitcases comprising of all my possessions (clothing, books, shoes, bags) to 4 three by two feet closets of clothing hanging in those closets, 1 closet of shoes and bags, and 1 bin of fabric and trim. My books are contained to just a very small bookshelf because I mostly purchase eBooks now. In 2009, I only had 113 items of clothing. So, in three years my OCD and depression has made me hit rock bottom. I saw a therapist, but she did psychoanalysis, which was not helpful because I already knew my issue was depression and mild OCD. I am still looking for a cognitive behavioral therapist. When I was away Fromm home for ten three weeks, I did have some obsessive thoughts and some dark moments but I was able to deal with it by self talk and by doing my work, do they passed. However, when I'm home I'm in such an overwhelmed state that I don't have the energy to employ coping strategies.
So, I've decided to not even think about my possessions and whether I need it in the far future, I've decided only to keep only items I wore this year or that I intend to wear in the next 3 winter months. For instance, I wear mostly black, but I have quite a number of red tops, skirts and dresses just because color red is my favorite color in addition to black. I'm putting these in the donation bag without a thought of future use.
The past is the past, and we cannot hold on to it or the money or opportunities list. Nor can we plan for the future in detail, but rather just to a vague extent. My trip gave me the impetus to go back to a mknslist lifestyle. I will post more on my progress, and I hope that it helps you as well. Anyone with OCD, depression or who is a minimalist who has advice if comments to share, I welcome and appreciate them.
Thanks for reading.
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