It's interesting in our outward based society how different temperaments can be misconstrued.
My Jung Typology test indicates that I am moderately introverted (44%). However, I have no trouble making friends, being social, striking up conversations with strangers, and although I am quiet at times when I am observing a situation, I cannot recall an instance, even as a child when it was due to shyness or timidity. I have met people who say they are introverted, and who are socially awkward, but although I may feel anxiety at times, I quite natural with my social graces and behavior. I also enjoy being out and about and experiencing new things. However, I also enjoy being alone or just one on one with a friend, and social activity every day, except for with my few closest friends who are like me, leaves me feeling drained, and desperately craving alone time to recharge my batteries after social activity. I also like spending lunch breaks alone at work, but have made exceptions for a few coworkers over the years. I used to tell people that I am introverted because of this need to be alone at time and recharge and because I dislike large crowds. However, people took my saying that I am introverted to mean that I did not feel comfortable or natural socializing. Consequently, introversion has to do with where one gets one energy from. It is not shyness or social awkwardness, and most people think. Shyness and social awkwardness occurs in people who desire to be more social or lack social skills. Some introverts are also shy, but so are some extroverts. I obtain my energy recharge internally and from being alone as well as from new experiences and sensations in the world. After too much outward activities though, I feel overwhelmed. This led me to be unsure of whether I am introverted or extroverted for a long time. I never felt that introverted descriptions aptly fit me or extroverted ones.
Then I discovered one of the books that changed my life: Elaine Aaron's The Highly Sensitive Person for it really changed my understanding of myself. I realized that while I do lean more toward introversion, I am not an extreme introvert, but I am definitely highly sensitive from being affected by loud noises, having a very sensitive body to allergies, my need to be alone due to overwhelm of stimuli, and being able to sense and feel a room or a person's moods very strongly. However, when I tell people that I am highly sensitive, they assume that I am emotionally sensitive and just emotional in general. This couldn't be furthest from the truth because I am a true INTJ because I am very logical and analytical. I even analyze my emotions. High sensitivity related to sensory and biological sensitivity more than emotions. So, I have then stopped telling people I am a HSP, because I find it extremely aggravating when people assume I am emotionally sensitive and delicate (not that there is anything wrong with that. I have a close friend who is very sensitive and I love that about her. However, it is very much not me). I know for sure that I am an HSP as described by Dr. Aaron.
Only 30% of HSPs are extroverted and many assume that the need to withdraw due to over-stimulation is due to introversion, but that is not always the case. Sometimes, you know instinctively when something describes you.
This article explains my point of view quite aptly and explores the relationship and differences between HSP and introversion, check out this great article: http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/attending-the-undervalued-self/201107/understanding-the-highly-sensitivity-person-sensitive-int
What I have learned from people's feedback is that it is not necessary to tell people what you are, especially if you are doing so in an effort to make them understand you because there are preconceived notions prevalent in society about some labels. If they are interested, you can perhaps describe your character trait and then explain high sensitivity, and then send them an article or get them a book on it. However, I find it quite cumbersome, and it appears so self-centered to go to such great lengths to explain and talk about yourself for as long as it will take to clear up the mis-assocations. Even some of my wonderful friends have made a mis-association when I told them I was more introverted and a HSP. These concepts are great to learn about so that you can understand yourself and learn how to maneuver in your own life and in the world in a manner that utilizes your greatest strengths and enables you to build build coping skills in regards to your weaknesses.
Feb 29, 2012
Feb 27, 2012
Let Possessions Go, Embrace the Present & Welcome your Present Self
I have had the guilt over letting go of possessions because I have more than I honestly need and use. Being that I am not working at the moment, I have had some pangs of hesitation to letting go lately, that is not very common for me. It is due to the guilt of money wasted and loosing money when I am not bringing in any income at the moment.
I have listed many items on Ebay, but have either not had sales because people want it dirt cheap. Ebay also high seller insertion fees and final value fees, so the few I have sold have only resulted in about $8 per item for items that were new and valued at least $50 each. I have also had the headache of some buyers not paying and having to initiate a dispute or wanting to return items because they change their mind. I do not get reimbursed for the insertion fees or shipping fees if the buyer returns the item. So, unless there is an item that you can make at least $30 selling, it is not worth it. Consequently, only name high end brand items sell for at least $30. My H&M clothes have not resulted in sales. The time to prepare the item and wait in the post office to ship it does not seem to be worth the $5 net that I make on lower end brand items. Consignment shops only usually give $5 to $10 even for high end items.
I have never hesitated to donate in the past, but there are only two charities that pick up, and I don't have a car to take items to legitimate charities. The two charities that pick up are not well known charities, and I have seen people selling used clothing in Chinatown and other areas, so I am not sure if these charities are legitimate, as research on the internet have not given much detail than a simple website that anyone can make. Since I purchased my items with my hard earned money, I want them to be used to legitimately help others.
However, I have come to a new conclusion today that we can't control certain things, especially the actions of others. When we give money to a homeless person, we cannot be sure that he will use the money for food rather than for alcohol or drugs. We hope that he will use it for food, but we really don't know, do we? My choice with this issue has been to give homeless people only food, and not money. However, with our clothing donations, we can't be sure that the charities are selling the items and using it to help the less fortunate, rather than for their own pockets.
I have accumulated a pile of items as I have lost weight since going back to being a vegetarian a year ago. Many of my items don't fit and cannot be altered and some items cause skin allergies (such as wool and cashmere). While I have donated much in the past, I have held onto good quality items, such as name brand items, items made of wool or cashmere and new shoes or shoes worn just a few times, but are now very tight on me. (My feet have gotten wider as I walk a lot these days, so I have to wear a 6 wide width to 6.5. I can no longer wear my size 5 1/2 or regular size 6 shoes). I have held onto these items, even though I purchased new items to fit me appropriately now because I hoped to sell them on eBay, but deep inside I knew it was not worth the effort, especially when even some of my name brand items didn't sell. I have held on to these items because of guilt and inability to let go of the past, and fear of the future and what I cannot control.
I feel guilt because I am not working and the items discarded are a symbol of the time I worked to earn money to buy the item. I also feel guilt for enjoying shopping for these items, thinking it will bring joy to me, when that joy lasted for only a short time. I feel fear of the future because my mother's constant about not throwing things away because you may need them someday and not have money has made me fearful of not having enough in the future. I have kept many items that didn't sell with the thought that I can refashion clothing into new clothing, but I don't need anymore, so it makes no sense other than adding to the clutter.
Yet today, I am doing a big overhaul and letting go of these chains of guilt and fear. I purchased some of the items in times of pain and uneasiness due to tragedy and feeling down. Keeping items that remind me of that and make me feel guilty for going against my nature and knowledge that objects don't bring peace only make me feel worse in this moment. The reason for the purchase, the time and money spent are now all the past. I cannot get the time or money back, and that is fine. The awareness and lessons from mistakes are jewels of the present that I can apply in the present and not make the same mistakes again. The fear of the future is unfounded. I am not an invalid nor an unintelligent or lazy person. Although I am studying for grad school now, and not working, I will work in the future. Although I don't have extensive long term experiences at jobs, I have managed to get jobs in the past, and at each job, I was valued for my hard work, intelligence, resourcefulness and desire to do well and be efficient.
The fear of not being able to make money or not having enough is not because I crave material things for comfort, but because I am allowing the fears and words of others in society to affect my own view of myself and my capabilities. Not working, worrying about the future, and reflecting about the mistakes of the past diminishes the self esteem and is dis-empowering.
Letting go of things that hold you back, be they ideas, frames of thinking or possessions is a way of empowering yourself because you are challenging the things that cause fear, anxiety or guilt in you. While we cannot control the future or the actions of others, including charities, we can control ourselves and how we view life and ourselves. We can view ourselves as strong and adaptive, or flawed, fearful or always making mistakes.
Holding on to possessions with the hope of one day selling on ebay, while they pile up and cause us to waste time re-arranging, cleaning and feeling guilty about only makes us feel a loss of energy. While we may have indeed wasted money by buying these items, and not using them and now donating them, we do not have to wallow in mistakes and bad choices forever. We can take this as an opportunity for strength to overcome the past, live solely in the present and take actions for a more fruitful future.
So, today if you are trying to reduce your possessions, take a deep breath and let go of the attachment to the past, to attitudes you have held on to, to guilt and to the possessions. Don't look at the possessions and create stories in your mind or lament over the feelings associated with them. Don't let yourself feel the overwhelming feelings of guilt and fear, but feel the emotions of the the beginning of a freer, less attached you, that lives only in the present. Take that donation box, and just ruthlessly put in the items that you have not used in the last few months or that do not give value to who you are now and who you want to be. Let go, welcome change and embrace today.
I have listed many items on Ebay, but have either not had sales because people want it dirt cheap. Ebay also high seller insertion fees and final value fees, so the few I have sold have only resulted in about $8 per item for items that were new and valued at least $50 each. I have also had the headache of some buyers not paying and having to initiate a dispute or wanting to return items because they change their mind. I do not get reimbursed for the insertion fees or shipping fees if the buyer returns the item. So, unless there is an item that you can make at least $30 selling, it is not worth it. Consequently, only name high end brand items sell for at least $30. My H&M clothes have not resulted in sales. The time to prepare the item and wait in the post office to ship it does not seem to be worth the $5 net that I make on lower end brand items. Consignment shops only usually give $5 to $10 even for high end items.
I have never hesitated to donate in the past, but there are only two charities that pick up, and I don't have a car to take items to legitimate charities. The two charities that pick up are not well known charities, and I have seen people selling used clothing in Chinatown and other areas, so I am not sure if these charities are legitimate, as research on the internet have not given much detail than a simple website that anyone can make. Since I purchased my items with my hard earned money, I want them to be used to legitimately help others.
However, I have come to a new conclusion today that we can't control certain things, especially the actions of others. When we give money to a homeless person, we cannot be sure that he will use the money for food rather than for alcohol or drugs. We hope that he will use it for food, but we really don't know, do we? My choice with this issue has been to give homeless people only food, and not money. However, with our clothing donations, we can't be sure that the charities are selling the items and using it to help the less fortunate, rather than for their own pockets.
I have accumulated a pile of items as I have lost weight since going back to being a vegetarian a year ago. Many of my items don't fit and cannot be altered and some items cause skin allergies (such as wool and cashmere). While I have donated much in the past, I have held onto good quality items, such as name brand items, items made of wool or cashmere and new shoes or shoes worn just a few times, but are now very tight on me. (My feet have gotten wider as I walk a lot these days, so I have to wear a 6 wide width to 6.5. I can no longer wear my size 5 1/2 or regular size 6 shoes). I have held onto these items, even though I purchased new items to fit me appropriately now because I hoped to sell them on eBay, but deep inside I knew it was not worth the effort, especially when even some of my name brand items didn't sell. I have held on to these items because of guilt and inability to let go of the past, and fear of the future and what I cannot control.
I feel guilt because I am not working and the items discarded are a symbol of the time I worked to earn money to buy the item. I also feel guilt for enjoying shopping for these items, thinking it will bring joy to me, when that joy lasted for only a short time. I feel fear of the future because my mother's constant about not throwing things away because you may need them someday and not have money has made me fearful of not having enough in the future. I have kept many items that didn't sell with the thought that I can refashion clothing into new clothing, but I don't need anymore, so it makes no sense other than adding to the clutter.
Yet today, I am doing a big overhaul and letting go of these chains of guilt and fear. I purchased some of the items in times of pain and uneasiness due to tragedy and feeling down. Keeping items that remind me of that and make me feel guilty for going against my nature and knowledge that objects don't bring peace only make me feel worse in this moment. The reason for the purchase, the time and money spent are now all the past. I cannot get the time or money back, and that is fine. The awareness and lessons from mistakes are jewels of the present that I can apply in the present and not make the same mistakes again. The fear of the future is unfounded. I am not an invalid nor an unintelligent or lazy person. Although I am studying for grad school now, and not working, I will work in the future. Although I don't have extensive long term experiences at jobs, I have managed to get jobs in the past, and at each job, I was valued for my hard work, intelligence, resourcefulness and desire to do well and be efficient.
The fear of not being able to make money or not having enough is not because I crave material things for comfort, but because I am allowing the fears and words of others in society to affect my own view of myself and my capabilities. Not working, worrying about the future, and reflecting about the mistakes of the past diminishes the self esteem and is dis-empowering.
Letting go of things that hold you back, be they ideas, frames of thinking or possessions is a way of empowering yourself because you are challenging the things that cause fear, anxiety or guilt in you. While we cannot control the future or the actions of others, including charities, we can control ourselves and how we view life and ourselves. We can view ourselves as strong and adaptive, or flawed, fearful or always making mistakes.
Holding on to possessions with the hope of one day selling on ebay, while they pile up and cause us to waste time re-arranging, cleaning and feeling guilty about only makes us feel a loss of energy. While we may have indeed wasted money by buying these items, and not using them and now donating them, we do not have to wallow in mistakes and bad choices forever. We can take this as an opportunity for strength to overcome the past, live solely in the present and take actions for a more fruitful future.
So, today if you are trying to reduce your possessions, take a deep breath and let go of the attachment to the past, to attitudes you have held on to, to guilt and to the possessions. Don't look at the possessions and create stories in your mind or lament over the feelings associated with them. Don't let yourself feel the overwhelming feelings of guilt and fear, but feel the emotions of the the beginning of a freer, less attached you, that lives only in the present. Take that donation box, and just ruthlessly put in the items that you have not used in the last few months or that do not give value to who you are now and who you want to be. Let go, welcome change and embrace today.
INTJs Communication & Feelings
INTJs Do Have FeelingsMany, especially those who do not know them well, may think that INTJs are unfeeling, but as an INTJ, and knowing several others, this is not so. As a matter of fact, all the INTJs that I know, myself included, feel very deeply, may be even more so than others. What they do have a problem with, however, is showing it.
INTJs don't cry at the usual things that most people cry about.
For instance, I don't cry at chick flicks or many of the usual things that most cry about, but I am deeply moved to the point that I not only cry and feel my whole body in chills when I see a documentary or movie where someone's parent dying in a movie due to personal experience or when I see children suffering. I also cry and get angry at the same time in family conflicts. My family think I am emotional, but they mean it in intensity, rather than in frequency, because the only few times they see me emotional are very intense like that. lol
INTJ Communication Methods
Most of the time, although INTJs are experiencing and feeling things, they are also thinking and analyzing their feelings at the same time. This results in them not being able to or feeling uncomfortable showing feelings at the onset or while something is happening. They want to thoroughly understand their feelings - such the situation, what they are feeling, why they are feeling it, if the feeling has validity, etc. Later on, after they have thought about and analysed it, they may cry or feel moved. If a similar situation occurs, they may show feelings because they have already understood it in a previous instance.
Personally, I have worked at trying to show my feelings especially to people I care about over the years, but it took some very extreme losses to do so. I have have gotten better at expressing my care to people, but I am most comfortable doing so in actions. When I am too verbal about my feelings, it feels inauthentic to myself, and it makes me feel a little awkward and uncomfortable. I know from experience, though, that repressing or keeping feelings in can lead to depression, anxiety or even, misunderstandings. What has been a better method to me since I was 10 is writing my feelings on paper either in greeting cards, poetry or journals/blog posts, like this.I would make homemade cards on my mom's birthday and other holidays to tell her I love her because I didn't feel comfortable saying it. To this day, I don't feel comfortable saying it to my mom, but I make an effort to show her by spending time with her and saying it every now and then.
I even had trouble expressing my feelings to boyfriends. The only one that I have been openly affectionate and more verbally expressive to, though not always, is with my husband. Coincidentally, he is also an INTJ. It is a relief to know that if I am not expressive sometimes, he can tell I still are from my actions.
I am also expressive on paper to my close friends, my sister and my brother, but I feel uncomfortable being verbal about it. I try to show my love and care by spending time with them and calling them every two weeks. I know that it is not a lot to other types, but it is to me as I dislike talking on the phone.
For INTJs to be expressive in actions or words, they must care deeply about them. Once an INTJ cares about someone, they will be very kind to that person and be there for them, but it has to be earned. They carry the same standards for themselves as well.
Now, although INTJs don't expressive their feelings to everyone, and do not usually make the first move, his does not mean that we dislike when other's show their feelings. I actually enjoy it when they are expressive because it makes it easier for me to open up. However, I greatly dislike hollow flattery or shallow feelings. I also dislike overly emotional people who show their feelings all they time because it makes me feel suspicious about the sincerity and depth. I know this may not be correct as some people are expressive and genuine at the same time. However, I just feel uncomfortable about excessive displays of expressions, be it anger, love, sadness, etc. Excessive for me is every single time I see someone or for a majority of our time together; there must also be time for talking and analysing together. ;)
Because INTJs feel deeply, but do not express it, they can actually get very hurt if the few people that they are expressive to are neglectful or insensitive. I used to drop friends and acquaintances easily as a result because I am not one to wallow when wrong is done to me, but rather get angry or defensive. I have learned, though, and it is something I believe all INTJs must make an effort to learn, that sometimes people don't mean to hurt you on purpose. Many times, people do not think about their during actions or after, like we do. (I say after because once in a while I am impulsive, though I usually am a planner, but in those times when I am impulsive, I will analyze the situatuion for hours. lol.) In cases where you care about someone, and they say or do something that upsets you, give them a chance to explain. Tell them how their actions affected you, but that you realize that perhaps sometimes people misunderstand each other and ask them to clarify. If they care, they may not fully see your side or fully understand your reaction, but they will be genuinely apologetic. However, if they continue doing the same thing more than three times, it may be a good idea to distance yourself just a little until they do change their behavior or be very distant if they don't.
Resolving Misunderstandings
If you are the one who has done something that may have caused a misunderstanding or pain to another, apologize, but don't obsess or analyse their actions and communication or lack thereof. After you have genuinely apologized, give them some time to calm down. This is very hard because we want to understand what they are thinking, if they were affected, what you did wrong so that you may not do it again, etc. However, I have learned patience from living with my husband. Being an INTJ, he is just like me when he is upset, he gets angry in a silent way and then will withdraw. If I press him, he gets angry and then withdraws further. After you give people time to think and reflect on the situation and on the whole person of who you are, communication will be easier. We must learn to be more tolerant and accepting of the different temperaments of those in our life. Sometimes INTJs dismiss people who have different temperaments from them. However, if you care about the person and you have similar interests and values, it is worth the effort to work at communication and relationships with them. Remember, though, that you deserve the same in return. Others must also judge you as a whole person, not based on one or two instances, unless they are extreme. INTJs are naturally perfectionists and can beat themselves up for mistakes. You don't need others in your life to beat you up constantly for them, but rather see you and accept you for who you are, strengths and weaknesses.
Please tell me whether you can relate as an INTJ regarding feelings and communication.
INTJs don't cry at the usual things that most people cry about.
For instance, I don't cry at chick flicks or many of the usual things that most cry about, but I am deeply moved to the point that I not only cry and feel my whole body in chills when I see a documentary or movie where someone's parent dying in a movie due to personal experience or when I see children suffering. I also cry and get angry at the same time in family conflicts. My family think I am emotional, but they mean it in intensity, rather than in frequency, because the only few times they see me emotional are very intense like that. lol
INTJ Communication Methods
Most of the time, although INTJs are experiencing and feeling things, they are also thinking and analyzing their feelings at the same time. This results in them not being able to or feeling uncomfortable showing feelings at the onset or while something is happening. They want to thoroughly understand their feelings - such the situation, what they are feeling, why they are feeling it, if the feeling has validity, etc. Later on, after they have thought about and analysed it, they may cry or feel moved. If a similar situation occurs, they may show feelings because they have already understood it in a previous instance.
Personally, I have worked at trying to show my feelings especially to people I care about over the years, but it took some very extreme losses to do so. I have have gotten better at expressing my care to people, but I am most comfortable doing so in actions. When I am too verbal about my feelings, it feels inauthentic to myself, and it makes me feel a little awkward and uncomfortable. I know from experience, though, that repressing or keeping feelings in can lead to depression, anxiety or even, misunderstandings. What has been a better method to me since I was 10 is writing my feelings on paper either in greeting cards, poetry or journals/blog posts, like this.I would make homemade cards on my mom's birthday and other holidays to tell her I love her because I didn't feel comfortable saying it. To this day, I don't feel comfortable saying it to my mom, but I make an effort to show her by spending time with her and saying it every now and then.
I even had trouble expressing my feelings to boyfriends. The only one that I have been openly affectionate and more verbally expressive to, though not always, is with my husband. Coincidentally, he is also an INTJ. It is a relief to know that if I am not expressive sometimes, he can tell I still are from my actions.
I am also expressive on paper to my close friends, my sister and my brother, but I feel uncomfortable being verbal about it. I try to show my love and care by spending time with them and calling them every two weeks. I know that it is not a lot to other types, but it is to me as I dislike talking on the phone.
For INTJs to be expressive in actions or words, they must care deeply about them. Once an INTJ cares about someone, they will be very kind to that person and be there for them, but it has to be earned. They carry the same standards for themselves as well.
Now, although INTJs don't expressive their feelings to everyone, and do not usually make the first move, his does not mean that we dislike when other's show their feelings. I actually enjoy it when they are expressive because it makes it easier for me to open up. However, I greatly dislike hollow flattery or shallow feelings. I also dislike overly emotional people who show their feelings all they time because it makes me feel suspicious about the sincerity and depth. I know this may not be correct as some people are expressive and genuine at the same time. However, I just feel uncomfortable about excessive displays of expressions, be it anger, love, sadness, etc. Excessive for me is every single time I see someone or for a majority of our time together; there must also be time for talking and analysing together. ;)
Because INTJs feel deeply, but do not express it, they can actually get very hurt if the few people that they are expressive to are neglectful or insensitive. I used to drop friends and acquaintances easily as a result because I am not one to wallow when wrong is done to me, but rather get angry or defensive. I have learned, though, and it is something I believe all INTJs must make an effort to learn, that sometimes people don't mean to hurt you on purpose. Many times, people do not think about their during actions or after, like we do. (I say after because once in a while I am impulsive, though I usually am a planner, but in those times when I am impulsive, I will analyze the situatuion for hours. lol.) In cases where you care about someone, and they say or do something that upsets you, give them a chance to explain. Tell them how their actions affected you, but that you realize that perhaps sometimes people misunderstand each other and ask them to clarify. If they care, they may not fully see your side or fully understand your reaction, but they will be genuinely apologetic. However, if they continue doing the same thing more than three times, it may be a good idea to distance yourself just a little until they do change their behavior or be very distant if they don't.
Resolving Misunderstandings
If you are the one who has done something that may have caused a misunderstanding or pain to another, apologize, but don't obsess or analyse their actions and communication or lack thereof. After you have genuinely apologized, give them some time to calm down. This is very hard because we want to understand what they are thinking, if they were affected, what you did wrong so that you may not do it again, etc. However, I have learned patience from living with my husband. Being an INTJ, he is just like me when he is upset, he gets angry in a silent way and then will withdraw. If I press him, he gets angry and then withdraws further. After you give people time to think and reflect on the situation and on the whole person of who you are, communication will be easier. We must learn to be more tolerant and accepting of the different temperaments of those in our life. Sometimes INTJs dismiss people who have different temperaments from them. However, if you care about the person and you have similar interests and values, it is worth the effort to work at communication and relationships with them. Remember, though, that you deserve the same in return. Others must also judge you as a whole person, not based on one or two instances, unless they are extreme. INTJs are naturally perfectionists and can beat themselves up for mistakes. You don't need others in your life to beat you up constantly for them, but rather see you and accept you for who you are, strengths and weaknesses.
Please tell me whether you can relate as an INTJ regarding feelings and communication.
Feb 26, 2012
Determine what Fullfills You & Get Rid of the Rest
I have thought about on and off for the past few years about how material things affect our lives. I even went on a minimalist lifestyle at one point, and discarded/donated many of my books and clothing, and acquired a large blog following on the subject. However, my life goals and lifestyle do not permit me to be minimalist.
My experience is as a paralegal, and intend to stay in the legal field because I enjoy it very much. In this field, what comes with the territory is that your appearance does affect your credibility. If I only have 5 suits that I wear all the time, my bosses and clients will surely notice. Not to mention, there is a definite psychological effect of being put together and dressing appropriately and businesslike. I am not into trends or accumulating items for the sake of having them, but I like to look elegant and professional. While I do like the quality and styles of some brands, I don't purchase items with ostentatious logos to appear wealthy, as that simply looks tacky. So, I have had to come to a balance where I try to keep my wardrobe and my home somewhat minimalist in style, but I can no longer consider myself minimalist because I have too many items to take that label.
Nonetheless, I also realize that having too many items in your home, wardrobe, bookshelf, etc. is not beneficial if some of these items do not serve your life goals (personal and career). Having items that do not serve your goals just take time and energy to take care of, and actually can be distracting.
For that reason, I am re-evaluating my items in the next few weeks. I will attempt to sell some on Ebay, but my experience has not been good as I only get $7 for boots that I purchased for $50, and I wonder if it is worth the time and effort of taking pictures, following and hoping for a sale, answering potential buyer questions (many of whom don't end up purchasing), preparing for shipment and then going to the post office to ship. I would appreciate your thoughts.
In regards to simplifying to keep items that are essential to your life goals and enjoyments, I have thought about the fact that the most common goal of most people is happiness or well being. We try to find it through different avenues, but I have found that the more avenues I seek at once, the more complicated and elusive happiness becomes. I look back at my happiest times in life, save for my childhood, and realize that my happiest times was when I lived my life simply. It seems ironic because consumerism tells us that we need more and more things daily. Yet, during that time, my attention was focused on a few things that brought me great joy and peace. Namely, they were, waking up early in the morning to do yoga exercises and light meditation, writing a little daily, reading a little daily (on-line or books) and cooking wholesome, healthy food (vegetarian and seafood based). Of course, I also spend a little time with friends and loved ones, but we must first look for happiness within. Those are my particular affinities. Yours might be different. Yet, self discovery is the key.
Reflecting to Simpler Times in The Past
Look back and note times when you were truly happy. Try to not to associate these times with people at first, even though there are many who are happiest giving to others or spending time with others. It is important to look within first.
Make a Goal List: Find Your Essential Joys & Dreams
Continuing the exercise above, think of your day to day activities and list them. Next, think of what activities are truly beneficial to your life goals and also activities that you enjoy. They can be both career goals as well as hobbies. Then think of the people in your life that are most important to you, and that you truly enjoy being around. Then finish your list by listing how those people incorporate into your life.
Here's an example of my life goal & activities list:
Find the Things that Drive You in Life
Keep items that support your life goals. Making a list of all the items you own as sometimes we are not aware of what or how much we own. For everyone, the items on the list will be different. While making the list or afterwards, categorize the different functions and goals that each item supports. This will help you to more logically evaluate how much of a certain item you need. For instance, you may find that you own 30 pairs of shoes, but only 10 are businesslike or that you can wear in multiple situations. These numbers are arbitrary, and only you know what is best for your situation.
I will expand on this topic in later blog posts, and as I achieve success in this area as well.
My experience is as a paralegal, and intend to stay in the legal field because I enjoy it very much. In this field, what comes with the territory is that your appearance does affect your credibility. If I only have 5 suits that I wear all the time, my bosses and clients will surely notice. Not to mention, there is a definite psychological effect of being put together and dressing appropriately and businesslike. I am not into trends or accumulating items for the sake of having them, but I like to look elegant and professional. While I do like the quality and styles of some brands, I don't purchase items with ostentatious logos to appear wealthy, as that simply looks tacky. So, I have had to come to a balance where I try to keep my wardrobe and my home somewhat minimalist in style, but I can no longer consider myself minimalist because I have too many items to take that label.
Nonetheless, I also realize that having too many items in your home, wardrobe, bookshelf, etc. is not beneficial if some of these items do not serve your life goals (personal and career). Having items that do not serve your goals just take time and energy to take care of, and actually can be distracting.
For that reason, I am re-evaluating my items in the next few weeks. I will attempt to sell some on Ebay, but my experience has not been good as I only get $7 for boots that I purchased for $50, and I wonder if it is worth the time and effort of taking pictures, following and hoping for a sale, answering potential buyer questions (many of whom don't end up purchasing), preparing for shipment and then going to the post office to ship. I would appreciate your thoughts.
In regards to simplifying to keep items that are essential to your life goals and enjoyments, I have thought about the fact that the most common goal of most people is happiness or well being. We try to find it through different avenues, but I have found that the more avenues I seek at once, the more complicated and elusive happiness becomes. I look back at my happiest times in life, save for my childhood, and realize that my happiest times was when I lived my life simply. It seems ironic because consumerism tells us that we need more and more things daily. Yet, during that time, my attention was focused on a few things that brought me great joy and peace. Namely, they were, waking up early in the morning to do yoga exercises and light meditation, writing a little daily, reading a little daily (on-line or books) and cooking wholesome, healthy food (vegetarian and seafood based). Of course, I also spend a little time with friends and loved ones, but we must first look for happiness within. Those are my particular affinities. Yours might be different. Yet, self discovery is the key.
Reflecting to Simpler Times in The Past
Look back and note times when you were truly happy. Try to not to associate these times with people at first, even though there are many who are happiest giving to others or spending time with others. It is important to look within first.
Make a Goal List: Find Your Essential Joys & Dreams
Continuing the exercise above, think of your day to day activities and list them. Next, think of what activities are truly beneficial to your life goals and also activities that you enjoy. They can be both career goals as well as hobbies. Then think of the people in your life that are most important to you, and that you truly enjoy being around. Then finish your list by listing how those people incorporate into your life.
Here's an example of my life goal & activities list:
- Reading, studying and learning about Law
- Reading books on writing, success, personal growth, literature, art
- Writing essays, blog posts and poetry
- Spending Time with my husband & 4 close friends
- Housekeeping (My house is in no way immaculate, but when things get very cluttered or dusty, it stresses me out & distracts me very much.)
- Cooking (I try to be healthy and cooking food at home that I choose for nutritional reasons has been beneficial for the health of myself and my family)
- Exercise (yoga & jogging)
- Keeping in touch with my close family relatives
- Volunteering/Interning with Civic Organizations
- Sewing (I will still continue to do minor tailoring to my own clothing & it is beneficial because tailored clothes look more professional. However, I sometimes spend a whole day making a new item out of old styles that I no longer like. I do not intend on becoming a designer, so making my own clothing is just time consuming at this point. Sometimes it is better to buy an item than make it because of the opportunity cost - a day's pay is more than the amount saved on an item made in a day.)
- Watching documentaries (A documentary here and there or with friends is fine, but I watch too many in the recent past, which has taken me away from my work.)
- Going to museums and galleries (This does not support my life goals and it is time consuming as it takes a few hours to get in the museum, so a trip ends up taking a whole day. This will become a activity only shared as a way of spending time with my husband or friends.)
Find the Things that Drive You in Life
Keep items that support your life goals. Making a list of all the items you own as sometimes we are not aware of what or how much we own. For everyone, the items on the list will be different. While making the list or afterwards, categorize the different functions and goals that each item supports. This will help you to more logically evaluate how much of a certain item you need. For instance, you may find that you own 30 pairs of shoes, but only 10 are businesslike or that you can wear in multiple situations. These numbers are arbitrary, and only you know what is best for your situation.
I will expand on this topic in later blog posts, and as I achieve success in this area as well.
Top Productivity Blogs
I don't read or follow all of these. Those that I have visited more than once are listed on my Favorite Blogs link. Many of these are super helpful and encouraging, especially when I am having a low day, and don't feel much like writing myself.
http://zenhabits.net/the-top-50-productivity-blogs-most-of-which-you-havent-heard-about/
http://zenhabits.net/the-top-50-productivity-blogs-most-of-which-you-havent-heard-about/
Top Productivity Blogs
I don't read or follow all of these. Those that I have visited more than once are listed on my Favorite Blogs link. Many of these are super helpful and encouraging, especially when I am having a low day, and don't feel much like writing myself.
http://zenhabits.net/the-top-50-productivity-blogs-most-of-which-you-havent-heard-about/
http://zenhabits.net/the-top-50-productivity-blogs-most-of-which-you-havent-heard-about/
Feb 25, 2012
Self-Actualization: Be the Best You
For the last few years of my life, I have contemplated what truly makes one happy. I personally have felt unsatisfied within myself, so I turned to different things to explore self fulfillment. I explored religion and spirituality, reading, meditating and following basic rituals of Buddhism and Hinduism. In my early 20s, I even followed Christianity for 2 years. However, although I believe that having a spiritual center is great, organized religion was too restrictive for me. I now just do yoga, and take daily walks in nature, and that gives me sufficient peace and connection to the universe.
I thought that perhaps helping others would work so I obtain a job helping the public, but although that is a wonderful thing to do, in itself, it is not fulfilling, especially if you are more introverted and like working alone, like myself. I thought that going to grad school to obtain the status of PhD would make me feel better and more fulfilled. So, I took post graduate classes, but they were in a field that I simply had a hobby in, and I soon found out that there were other areas of the field that I did not like enough.
All of these endeavors were idealistic and in my mind, but the answer to self-fulfillment was with me along. It was in the choices that I naturally gravitated towards before I started acknowledging the pressure of society. Now, functioning in society is a wonderful for as the poet, John Donne, said "No man is an Island." However, when we silence our voice by listening to the voice of others, then we loose ourselves. Many of the people giving us opinions may mean well, and care about us, but sometimes people project their own interests and views onto us, or may not truly know us inside.
Thinking about self-fulfillment, I came across Maslow's Heirarchy of Needs a few years ago. While I knew it in theory, I never really paid attention to it and applied it to my own life. However, slowly I began to do so a year ago, and it has led me to truly understand that the purpose in life or well being is attained by simply best you that you can possibly be. I suppose I had to go through some of the other stages on Maslow's Heircharchy of Needs before I was able to embrace and want to pursue self-actualization in my life.
Here is a wonderful article from about.com that describes what self-actualization is very well.
Abraham Maslow proposed a hierarchy of needs that represented various needs that motivate human behavior. The hierarchy is often displayed as a pyramid, with lowest levels representing basic needs and more complex needs located at the top of the pyramid.
At the peak of this hierarchy is self-actualization. The hierarchy suggests that when the other needs at the base of the pyramid have been met, the individual can then focus their attention on this pinnacle need. Self-actualization is described as "…the desire for self-fulfillment, namely, to the tendency for him to become actualized in what he is potentially."
What exactly is self-actualization? Located at the peak of Abraham Maslow’s hierarchy, he described this high-level need in the following way:
Self-Acceptance and Democratic World View
Self-actualized people tend to accept themselves and others as they are. They tend to lack inhibition and are able to enjoy themselves and their lives free of guilt. Other people are treated the same regardless of background, current status or other socio-economic and cultural factors.
Realistic
Another major characteristic of self-actualized people is a sense of realism. Rather than being fearful of things that are different or unknown, the self-actualized individual is able to view things logically and rationally.
Problem-Centered
Self-actualized individuals are often motivated by a strong sense of personal ethics and responsibility. They enjoy solving real-world problems and are often concerned with helping other people improve their own lives.
Peak Experiences
Self-actualization is also characterized by having frequent peak experiences. What exactly is a peak experience? According to Maslow, these "Feelings of limitless horizons opening up to the vision, the feeling of being simultaneously more powerful and also more helpless than one ever was before, the feeling of ecstasy and wonder and awe, the loss of placement in time and space with, finally, the conviction that something extremely important and valuable had happened, so that the subject was to some extent transformed and strengthened even in his daily life by such experiences."
Autonomy
The self-actualized individual does not conform to other people's ideas of happiness or contentment. This original perspective allows the individual to live in the moment and appreciate the beauty of each experience.
Solitude and Privacy
Self-actualized individuals value their privacy and enjoy solitude. While they also love the company of others, taking time to themselves is essential for personal discovery and cultivating individual potential.
Philosophical Sense of Humor
Self-actualized individuals generally have a thoughtful sense of humor. They are able to enjoy the humor in situations and laugh at themselves, but they do not ridicule or make fun at the expense of another person's feelings.
Spontaneity
Another characteristic of self-actualized people is a tendency to be open, unconventional and spontaneous. While these people are able to follow generally accepted social expectations, they do not feel confined by these norms in their thoughts or behaviors.
Enjoy the Journey
While self-actualized people have concrete goals, they do not see things as simply a means to an end. The journey toward achieving a goal is just as important and enjoyable as actually accomplishing the goal.
I thought that perhaps helping others would work so I obtain a job helping the public, but although that is a wonderful thing to do, in itself, it is not fulfilling, especially if you are more introverted and like working alone, like myself. I thought that going to grad school to obtain the status of PhD would make me feel better and more fulfilled. So, I took post graduate classes, but they were in a field that I simply had a hobby in, and I soon found out that there were other areas of the field that I did not like enough.
All of these endeavors were idealistic and in my mind, but the answer to self-fulfillment was with me along. It was in the choices that I naturally gravitated towards before I started acknowledging the pressure of society. Now, functioning in society is a wonderful for as the poet, John Donne, said "No man is an Island." However, when we silence our voice by listening to the voice of others, then we loose ourselves. Many of the people giving us opinions may mean well, and care about us, but sometimes people project their own interests and views onto us, or may not truly know us inside.
Thinking about self-fulfillment, I came across Maslow's Heirarchy of Needs a few years ago. While I knew it in theory, I never really paid attention to it and applied it to my own life. However, slowly I began to do so a year ago, and it has led me to truly understand that the purpose in life or well being is attained by simply best you that you can possibly be. I suppose I had to go through some of the other stages on Maslow's Heircharchy of Needs before I was able to embrace and want to pursue self-actualization in my life.
Here is a wonderful article from about.com that describes what self-actualization is very well.
What Is Self-Actualization?
By Kendra Cherry, About.com Guide
At the peak of this hierarchy is self-actualization. The hierarchy suggests that when the other needs at the base of the pyramid have been met, the individual can then focus their attention on this pinnacle need. Self-actualization is described as "…the desire for self-fulfillment, namely, to the tendency for him to become actualized in what he is potentially."
What exactly is self-actualization? Located at the peak of Abraham Maslow’s hierarchy, he described this high-level need in the following way:
"What a man can be, he must be. This need we may call self-actualization…It refers to the desire for self-fulfillment, namely, to the tendency for him to become actualized in what he is potentially. This tendency might be phrased as the desire to become more and more what one is, to become everything that one is capable of becoming."1While Maslow’s theory is generally portrayed as a fairly rigid hierarchy, Maslow noted that the order in which these needs are fulfilled does not always follow this standard progression.1 For example, he notes that for some individuals, the need for self-esteem is more important than the need for love. For others, the need for creative fulfillment may supersede even the most basic needs.
Characteristics of Self-Actualized People
In addition to describing what is meant by self-actualization in his theory, Maslow also identified some of the key characteristics of self-actualized people:- Acceptance and Realism: Self-actualized people have realistic perceptions of themselves, others and the world around them.
- Problem-centering: Self-actualized individuals are concerned with solving problems outside of themselves, including helping others and finding solutions to problems in the external world. These people are often motivated by a sense of personal responsibility and ethics.
- Spontaneity: Self-actualized people are spontaneous in their internal thoughts and outward behavior. While they can conform to rules and social expectations, they also tend to be open and unconventional.
- Autonomy and Solitude: Another characteristics of self-actualized people is the need for independence and privacy. While they enjoy the company of others, these individuals need time to focus on developing their own individual potential.
- Continued Freshness of Appreciation: Self-actualized people tend to view the world with a continual sense of appreciation, wonder and awe. Even simple experiences continue to be a source of inspiration and pleasure.
- Peak Experiences: Individuals who are self-actualized often have what Maslow termed peak experiences, or moments of intense joy, wonder, awe and ecstasy. After these experiences, people feel inspired, strengthened, renewed or transformed.3
Self-Acceptance and Democratic World View
Self-actualized people tend to accept themselves and others as they are. They tend to lack inhibition and are able to enjoy themselves and their lives free of guilt. Other people are treated the same regardless of background, current status or other socio-economic and cultural factors.
Realistic
Another major characteristic of self-actualized people is a sense of realism. Rather than being fearful of things that are different or unknown, the self-actualized individual is able to view things logically and rationally.
Problem-Centered
Self-actualized individuals are often motivated by a strong sense of personal ethics and responsibility. They enjoy solving real-world problems and are often concerned with helping other people improve their own lives.
Peak Experiences
Self-actualization is also characterized by having frequent peak experiences. What exactly is a peak experience? According to Maslow, these "Feelings of limitless horizons opening up to the vision, the feeling of being simultaneously more powerful and also more helpless than one ever was before, the feeling of ecstasy and wonder and awe, the loss of placement in time and space with, finally, the conviction that something extremely important and valuable had happened, so that the subject was to some extent transformed and strengthened even in his daily life by such experiences."
Autonomy
The self-actualized individual does not conform to other people's ideas of happiness or contentment. This original perspective allows the individual to live in the moment and appreciate the beauty of each experience.
Solitude and Privacy
Self-actualized individuals value their privacy and enjoy solitude. While they also love the company of others, taking time to themselves is essential for personal discovery and cultivating individual potential.
Philosophical Sense of Humor
Self-actualized individuals generally have a thoughtful sense of humor. They are able to enjoy the humor in situations and laugh at themselves, but they do not ridicule or make fun at the expense of another person's feelings.
Spontaneity
Another characteristic of self-actualized people is a tendency to be open, unconventional and spontaneous. While these people are able to follow generally accepted social expectations, they do not feel confined by these norms in their thoughts or behaviors.
Enjoy the Journey
While self-actualized people have concrete goals, they do not see things as simply a means to an end. The journey toward achieving a goal is just as important and enjoyable as actually accomplishing the goal.
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