INTJs Do Have FeelingsMany, especially those who do not know them well, may think that INTJs are unfeeling, but as an INTJ, and knowing several others, this is not so. As a matter of fact, all the INTJs that I know, myself included, feel very deeply, may be even more so than others. What they do have a problem with, however, is showing it.
INTJs don't cry at the usual things that most people cry about.
For instance, I don't cry at chick flicks or many of the usual things that most cry about, but I am deeply moved to the point that I not only cry and feel my whole body in chills when I see a documentary or movie where someone's parent dying in a movie due to personal experience or when I see children suffering. I also cry and get angry at the same time in family conflicts. My family think I am emotional, but they mean it in intensity, rather than in frequency, because the only few times they see me emotional are very intense like that. lol
INTJ Communication Methods
Most of the time, although INTJs are experiencing and feeling things, they are also thinking and analyzing their feelings at the same time. This results in them not being able to or feeling uncomfortable showing feelings at the onset or while something is happening. They want to thoroughly understand their feelings - such the situation, what they are feeling, why they are feeling it, if the feeling has validity, etc. Later on, after they have thought about and analysed it, they may cry or feel moved. If a similar situation occurs, they may show feelings because they have already understood it in a previous instance.
Personally, I have worked at trying to show my feelings especially to people I care about over the years, but it took some very extreme losses to do so. I have have gotten better at expressing my care to people, but I am most comfortable doing so in actions. When I am too verbal about my feelings, it feels inauthentic to myself, and it makes me feel a little awkward and uncomfortable. I know from experience, though, that repressing or keeping feelings in can lead to depression, anxiety or even, misunderstandings. What has been a better method to me since I was 10 is writing my feelings on paper either in greeting cards, poetry or journals/blog posts, like this.I would make homemade cards on my mom's birthday and other holidays to tell her I love her because I didn't feel comfortable saying it. To this day, I don't feel comfortable saying it to my mom, but I make an effort to show her by spending time with her and saying it every now and then.
I even had trouble expressing my feelings to boyfriends. The only one that I have been openly affectionate and more verbally expressive to, though not always, is with my husband. Coincidentally, he is also an INTJ. It is a relief to know that if I am not expressive sometimes, he can tell I still are from my actions.
I am also expressive on paper to my close friends, my sister and my brother, but I feel uncomfortable being verbal about it. I try to show my love and care by spending time with them and calling them every two weeks. I know that it is not a lot to other types, but it is to me as I dislike talking on the phone.
For INTJs to be expressive in actions or words, they must care deeply about them. Once an INTJ cares about someone, they will be very kind to that person and be there for them, but it has to be earned. They carry the same standards for themselves as well.
Now, although INTJs don't expressive their feelings to everyone, and do not usually make the first move, his does not mean that we dislike when other's show their feelings. I actually enjoy it when they are expressive because it makes it easier for me to open up. However, I greatly dislike hollow flattery or shallow feelings. I also dislike overly emotional people who show their feelings all they time because it makes me feel suspicious about the sincerity and depth. I know this may not be correct as some people are expressive and genuine at the same time. However, I just feel uncomfortable about excessive displays of expressions, be it anger, love, sadness, etc. Excessive for me is every single time I see someone or for a majority of our time together; there must also be time for talking and analysing together. ;)
Because INTJs feel deeply, but do not express it, they can actually get very hurt if the few people that they are expressive to are neglectful or insensitive. I used to drop friends and acquaintances easily as a result because I am not one to wallow when wrong is done to me, but rather get angry or defensive. I have learned, though, and it is something I believe all INTJs must make an effort to learn, that sometimes people don't mean to hurt you on purpose. Many times, people do not think about their during actions or after, like we do. (I say after because once in a while I am impulsive, though I usually am a planner, but in those times when I am impulsive, I will analyze the situatuion for hours. lol.) In cases where you care about someone, and they say or do something that upsets you, give them a chance to explain. Tell them how their actions affected you, but that you realize that perhaps sometimes people misunderstand each other and ask them to clarify. If they care, they may not fully see your side or fully understand your reaction, but they will be genuinely apologetic. However, if they continue doing the same thing more than three times, it may be a good idea to distance yourself just a little until they do change their behavior or be very distant if they don't.
Resolving Misunderstandings
If you are the one who has done something that may have caused a misunderstanding or pain to another, apologize, but don't obsess or analyse their actions and communication or lack thereof. After you have genuinely apologized, give them some time to calm down. This is very hard because we want to understand what they are thinking, if they were affected, what you did wrong so that you may not do it again, etc. However, I have learned patience from living with my husband. Being an INTJ, he is just like me when he is upset, he gets angry in a silent way and then will withdraw. If I press him, he gets angry and then withdraws further. After you give people time to think and reflect on the situation and on the whole person of who you are, communication will be easier. We must learn to be more tolerant and accepting of the different temperaments of those in our life. Sometimes INTJs dismiss people who have different temperaments from them. However, if you care about the person and you have similar interests and values, it is worth the effort to work at communication and relationships with them. Remember, though, that you deserve the same in return. Others must also judge you as a whole person, not based on one or two instances, unless they are extreme. INTJs are naturally perfectionists and can beat themselves up for mistakes. You don't need others in your life to beat you up constantly for them, but rather see you and accept you for who you are, strengths and weaknesses.
Please tell me whether you can relate as an INTJ regarding feelings and communication.
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